Weird sleep...

Yesterday I went for a run which I have not done for last couple of weeks since I've had an injury. It was good to go again as I do miss it! The only problem with running though is that it seems to make me so hungry. Not that odd, no, but it does not just make my stomach hungry. I tend to get a bit light headed which means concentrating is difficult especially since it tends to set off my OCD. I don't know if anyone else experiences this? Apparently hunger causes anxiety - not helpful to OCD sufferers who are trying to watch their weight. It interferes with my sleeping if I spend a day going over and over phrases or lists (which I spoke about in my previous post) and then go to bed with it still going over and over because my brain refuses to switch off. It's as though it's stuck on repeat. Last night I did slep but it was that strange light, patchy, unsatisfying sort of sleep. When I get used to exercising each day and get into a pattern with my eating habits it settles down a bit but I do still get a little anxiety induced OCD sometimes. I don't see it as reason to stop running though as the health benefits of exercise and the pleasure it gives me are huge. OCD effects my life in so many ways it's quite incredible.

Anyway, today I am off shopping. I am researching effective but not too expensive anti-wrinkle creams. I have one but am not convinced it is working for me. Perhaps I would not be getting wrinkles at my age if it were not for the anxiety...

Kind of as expected...

Well, checking the alarm went pretty much as expected last night. Not quite as stressful as I thought and didn't take quite as long but still was hard work. At least from now on it's set at the right time so I just need to set it rather than check the time which does not take as long.

I won't be locking up each morning this week as there is someone in each day - so whatever to talk about?? There are lots of other areas in which I have OCD but tend to write mostly about locking up as it is the most frequent and problematic. Some other things I need to check are things at work - for example I am a PA so I arrange a lot of meetings which means double, triple checking the date and time of the meeting and that the meeting room is booked etc. I also need to check things like my bank card is in my wallet after buying something. I have another form of checking in my mind where I compulsively go over and over something repeatedly. It can be a list (which is not so bad as I can write that down and don't need to go over it in my mind so much) or it can be someting I'm trying to resolve or work out. If I am really worried it is terrible because I just cannot stop going over it almost word for word in my head. It is like a record stuck on reapeat. It can last for a day or more at times which is quite depressing and makes me feel like I might go a bit crazy. This is the worst form of my problem.

Something nice now. I went to see the new film A Single Man which just swept me away. I love it for many reasons; the characters and story and the images are beautiful. One thing that really struck me though was the order. The main character is so particular, neat and tidy. I do not have this type of OCD though, where I have to have everything tidy and placed in a certain way. I think I appreciate this because I belive that what is going on inside is refleted in what is going on outside so I guess he must have a clear mind. I have always had a very cluttered mind and fairly cluttered surroundings. I have always aspired to be clear minded. I am having a bit of a clear out at home too at the moment! I have only just started tackling my OCD and have seemed to progress slowly but surely and this is where I am at now. Slowly moving forward and clearing out my mind and belongings. Strange but liberating! More about this tomorrow...

Bit anxious ...

I've had a long weekend as I had today off work and on Friday I reset my alarm for Saturday morning. This means that I need to put it back to the correct time for getting up for work tomorrow. Seems quite simple really but not for someone with OCD. This is the cause of much anxiety. I need to check my alarm dozens of times each night and in fact have two alarms in case one does not go off. I realise this probably makes the problem worse because I then need to check both dozens of times but anyway, I prefer to have two. I normally do not reset them as I don't need them at weekends so now I have altered it I am anxious I will need to check much more for longer. I will try to use what I have learnt recently and keep in mind that setting it and checking once is enough. If I know I have done it once, then I have done it! Well wish me luck...

Checking going well...but other issues not so...

I seem to have gained more control of my checking. I'm trying to retain a sense of reasoning that it's simply not necessary to do it as well as keeping in mind all the other points I have learnt.

There have been other issues lately though. Sometimes my current situation throws up other anxieties. My partner and I were due to go up north to stay with my family. I have been stressing about it. Things such as when will I get chance to do the housework?, when will I get "me" time?, what will we eat?, will I end up eating too much?, I won't get to excercise... All these things go through my mind and make going away stressful rather than relaxing. I have to say though that I have not been quite as anxious as normal which is really encouraging. Anyway, all unnecessary in the end as my partners is unwell meaning we had to cancel. Wonder how anxious I will feel when I go up in a few weeks time when we've rescheduled?

Sooo pleased with self...

Locked up in about 11 mins today. I did not check anything totally unnecessary and only did minimal checks on other things. Brilliant. Not perfect as there was still checking which I would not do if I did not have OCD but it's a brilliant effort. Tomorrow I don't need to lock up as someone's home but lets see what happens on Friday...

Whoo hooo...

Eleven minutes today! The main focus was not to ask for certainty and to acknowledge that being fairly sure is good enough. Perhaps as long as I can be mindful of the fact that I have an unrealistically high level of anxiety and therefore the checking I am compulsed to do is unnecessary and that being fairly sure is good enough I can manage better control...

New plan...

Right I have had a rethink about the way I am tackling this. I seem to be suffering a setback and am not sure why. Perhaps I just need a fresh and more strict approach. The book I am using presses time and again the importance of total exposure and refraining from checking in any situation. Basically, I am to ask myself "would I be checking this if I did not have OCD?" If the answer is no then do not do it. I think I have fallen down at this point because I am still checking. I managed to reduce the amount of checks per item and therefore the amount of time spent but the idea really is to refrain from checking altogether. Last night I decided to stop altogether and this morning I did ok. I had got up to 20 mins but am back down to 16 now so it's an improvement. There were some things I managed to avoid checking but with others the compulsion was too strong. But hey it's early days with the new plan so watch this space...

Big backwards step...

What is going on?! I seem to be going backwards. Today, not only did I need to check everything I normally need to check but more besides! Admittedly I didn't sleep so well the last couple of nights so that will increase my anxiety and lessen my confidence in my ability to check things. I think I need to adapt my approach to cognitive behavioural therapy. Perhaps I can use the points I have learned and come up with a specific plan rather than simply trying to be mindful of them at the time of locking up. Back to the books, I think.

Health Anxiety reared its ugly head.

I have not written all week because I have been unwell. I think on Sunday I was coming down with something - that might have led to my anxiety! Anyway, all week I was so mentally and physically sluggish,a little achy and my appetite was not so good. I also had a strained muscle in my thigh. I have Health Anxiety which directly relates to OCD. I began to convince myself that the feeling unwell was connected with the pain in my thigh and that it was all part of some serious illness and that I was about to collapse and have spent the latter part of the week obsessing about it. I have now managed to persuade myself otherwise and that they are unrelated. It's a problem I have not really had since childhood when it was really quite constant. I must try to keep a lid on this. As for locking up, my house has been occupied most of the week so not really had to do it. I did have to lock up the house before bed last night though and did really well. I resisted the huge temptation to check the kitchen tap and that the fridge door was shut, that the lights were off. I went to bed very proud of myself. I guess the glass of red wine might have helped. Have to lock up this afternoon so we'll see how that goes! Am off to the hairdressers - and I am taking my new Vivienne Westwood handbag!!

Yesterday was lost...

Not a good day, yesterday. I was obsessing all day long. I seem to plan to do so much at the weekend as then when it comes end up being overwhelmed by my "to do" list, espcially when I am feeling anxious. I was quite tired from not sleeping great which never helps. It starts off with anxiety and then the OCD kicks off. I am a checker but also I have a compulsion to go over and over things in my head. It's like a list which is stuck on repeat going round and round and it's so hard to stop it. At least when I'm checking I can somehow, eventually walk away from the object I'm checking but I cannot walk away from my head (probably not a bad things really!)! So yes, that was yesterday. I was so annoyed at having wasted my day. I need to learn to recognise at the time that I am anxious and try to sort out the cause of it but somehow I often fail to spot it. It sounds so obvious but it's not always an intense anxiety - just in the background but strong enough to set off the OCD. I don't realise until much later when I've started to analyse. Oh well today is another day. I try to see it as a learning experience and spot it next time. Fingers crossed.