Sunday, 21 October 2012

Self attack

I think I can be pretty good at figuring all this stuff out sometimes. I blog that I have this problem and wonder what should I do about it. Next blog I have it sussed. Not so with everything. One thing I cannot fully understand is the viscous thinking in my head. Thoughts of people telling me I am rubbish. Scenarios my imagination thinks up right out of the blue for no reason which is apparent - they are just there. Arguments, confrontations, derogatory remarks, being laughed at, made fun of always by fictional people most of whom are faceless, nameless and rarely the same. I know this is all because of self hate. Hate because I am not good enough because I have these problems which mean I am imperfect, because I did not do well in school, because I don't think I have anything to offer the world. This is all deep stuff. But really I think I'm alight. I am a good person who gets on well with everyone and I work hard for a living and am good at what I do. I have my loving husband and family. I have my karate which I love and am fairly good at. I'm really not that bad at all. But this is my conscious thinking. Which is quite different to my unconscious opinions (outlined above) formed when I was growing up and feeling bad about myself as I discovered I didn't have any academic ability and believed I didn't have any skills. Even though I now realise this is not true I still feel the same worthlessness deep down. How can I make it go? I think I won't find the answer to this one because I think it won't leave and I have to live with it. 

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Perspective - Found it!

The other day I was getting very wound up about a karate competition I have in November. I was being overly critical and harsh with myself about practise and preparation. I then became very involved with things at work and became busy in my home life getting the decorating finished in time for Christmas and also the Christmas present shopping - already but I like to get it done in good time! This pressed me to find a way to cope with it all. I had "a word with myself" as I like to call it and decided that I needed to get perspective and calmly get on with it all if I wanted things to be less chaotic and stressful. I am now managing to think more realistically about my tasks and goals without the sergeant major attitude I develop about perfection. This has made me see that I simply need to work hard and do my best with a positive attitude not a strict, critical attitude which my insecurities and fears inflict upon me. It's so easy when you can see this. I have experienced similar situations before when I have only had one thing to focus on I have got very intense about it. When more things come along which I need to deal with I seem develop a more balanced attitude so I can cope with the load. 

Of course fear of making a mistake or failure or simply lacking in confidence has a strong part to play in being too hard on myself. When I am afraid I feel things are vitally important and that it is imperative I do things to perfection and I am terrible and not worthy if I do not. When I am more confident I cope better when things don't go as I'd choose. Since I have not been so preoccupied with my problems lately and am freed from the OCD loop in my head I have been happier generally and my confidence has grown because now I can think! 

I made a little mistake at work a couple of days ago and instead or berating myself I thought no harm done, won't do that again, move on. Not beating myself up about it I have realised does not mean that I don't care it just means I haven a sense of perspective and reason.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Strict, slack or somewhere in between?

If your not disciplined and strict are you slack? Where is the happy medium and how do I get there?

I know I am very hard on myself. I always have been. If I make a small mistake I am very upset and annoyed with myself. I know that my disappointment with myself is often disproportionate to the situation yet I cannot stop it. It causes me to feel anxious and low. I try to rationalise but don't manage this until after I have felt very bad for a while first. It is similar in this respect to my disproportionate anxiety when it's triggered by a relatively small threat. It takes a long time for me to calm down and come to my senses - to be blunt. Now I understand I need to learn to go easier on myself but where do you draw the line between being strict and being slack? If you say "Oh well, never mind that I did not do well. Better luck next time". Are you just being fair to yourself or are you being slack because you either don't care or cannot be bothered? I really believe that if I said "Oh well never mind" I would never endeavour to progress. We are told that we should be kind to ourselves and not take things so seriously but then we don't learn or improve - surely? Am I wrong? I have spent half the weekend annoyed because of a small mistake I made and whilst I know I need to correct the mistake I don't think I should feel so bad - but I still do. 

I guess I am thinking that feeling bad about something you did not achieve or do well motivates you to improve but it is also true that if those feeling lead to depression you can lose all enthusiasm and motivation. I wonder how I can feel it enough to be motivated but not so much that I am down. How can I find my happy medium? 

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Learning to shut out the noise

Things have been going well recently. Since I've not been so preoccupied I've managed to get into my work and feel as thought I'm living a fairly normal life and enjoying it all. But over the last couple of days I've been a bit cloudy of mind. It happens occasionally where I cannot think clearly as my mind is a bit sluggish. I'm not sure why. I guess it happens to us all. Anyway, it makes my self-esteem plummet and I become very self-critical. I end up thinking I'm stupid and am not very kind to myself. All this critical self talk escalates to thinking of other people telling me I'm no good and patronising me. My imagination can be quite vicious. Does this make me sound crazy? I have had thoughts like this on and off for a long time usually when my self-esteem is low. I am sure everyone thinks like this sometimes  as we all have insecurities and we all have an imagination! I just wonder if  the amount I do it is damaging to me. I need to stop thinking like that but it is hard.

I've tried not to be preoccupied with it and have been trying to throw myself into my work and think of external things rather than obsess about the noise going on in my head. Amazingly I have found I have been able to push aside my mind troubles and focus on work more easily than before. For me this is really pleasing as I used to be at the mercy of my obsession with my problems and I always envied those who can just shut things off and get on with their tasks. Now I can do that too. I think it will be an effort to maintain though as I'm sure it is a phase which might change back.