Wednesday, 31 March 2010

So far so... ok

Diet is going fairly well in that I am being disciplined and sticking to the three meals a day strictly. It's tough though as I am hungry. I think I need to eat slightly bigger meals. Hunger is causing: fatigue, aggression (but not with other people - I hope!), wondering mind, slightly increased anxiety, all which seem to cause low self esteem - oh what fun! Being thinner is at a high price indeed. I'll see how I feel after increasing meal size.

Locking up was tough this AM. Had to check the cooker dozens of times as I cooked last night. Common sense suggests if it's been ok all night then it should be ok I the morning but OCD does not do common sense. I thought to myself I cannot slip backwards with the OCD as a result of dieting as that would be too depressing. I have come long way in the last few months and I cannot risk current state of mental health for a slim figure. Here's hoping I can take control of the effects of the hunger by being aware of how it effects me.

Sunday, 28 March 2010

Reunion, plumber (or not!), casual chic, more Pino Grigio...

Let's start where I left off with my blog of Friday. With a glass of Pino Grigio because I need one! What a weekend. Yesterday I was a bit nervous all day because I was going to a small college reunion in the evening. I was a bit nervous - not helped by the hunger I'm still feeling with the start of my new meals only diet. Anyway I did a few things and got myself ready. I was not at all sure what to wear which seemed so important especially when meeting people I haven't seen for so long. Do you go for the effortlessly casual chic or a bit more evening glam so you have clearly made an effort look? I wanted to wear my gorgeous dark blue, straight leg Levi's but the recent weight gain made it too uncomfortable not to mention unsightly what with the fat splodging out at the top - nice! So I went for my pale blue, straight leg Top Shop jeans which actually worked much better as they're a bit more laid back and worked well in contrast with my sexy black fitted long sleeved top from Zara. It's a bit low but not tarty low and has a bit of a shine to it. The overall look was chic and not too try hard. Result! Cor this isn't supposed to be a fashion blog. So off I went to Bond Street. I was a bit early and as I waited I began to wonder if I would be ok. I was beginning to feel a bit panicky. I was more than starving but determind to wait until dinner. Not even knowing if we'd eat out or just have drinks and eat when I got home. Turned out we just had drinks and the red wine staved off the hunger for a little while until beginning my third glass when I thought - this is the one too many, better stop. Luckily I had had the hindsight to let them know I couldn't do a late one so I left after a few more minutes. After grabbing a sandwhich and a small choccy bar on the way home I felt a bit more relaxed. I didn't sleep so well though. The hunger makes by brain hyper. When I got up this morning I was really OCD. Going over and over all sorts of insignificant things. Make it stop...

Then all those worries disappeared because of the appearance of another one. I could not turn off the shower. My husband had a go and it just wasn't turning off. The plumber promised he'd be here in an hour. That was 13:45 and he is still not here at 19:00! The shower is still on as we cannot get to the stop-cock! My anxiety level at the waste of water and the unresolved broken shower is sky high. I have been on the rescue remedy but it's not a cure. Time for that Pino Grigio (I realise that is no cure either).

Friday, 26 March 2010

Had enough now...

I have had enough now. I hate my weight and want to loose some. I have not been comfortable for a long while and that woman pointing it out the other day has really made me motivated now to do something about it. If she has noticed everyone has noticed. I wonder if people at work comment to each other? They must as everyone at work is obsessed with weight - even the guys! They always used to call me small and one woman used to say I was a tiny person which although I didn't object to I didn't really appreciate - now I do! So from yesterday I have decided to not go on a diet as such but just cut out snaks. Meals only should really shift the weight. It did last time although that turned into anorexia so I must watch myself. Wish me luck. Don't think me easily influenced. She only pointed out something I already feel uncomfortable about. I know what I want for myself and wouldn't be bothered by the comments of others if I was happy. I'm only effected because I'm not.

Only trouble is if I eat less (as I have said before) my anxiety increases as does the OCD. I guess I need to find ways of managing the anxiety and OCD when I am not able to stave it off by satisfying my appetite. All who reduce their calorie intake go through a period of constant background hunger. What am I supposed to do? Slowly get bigger so I end up physically unhealthy but with a healthy brain? What a choice!

Anyway, it's the weekend now so time for a glass of Pino Grigio and sod the calories.

Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Old times, getting fat and Mulberry handbags

Tough day today. My anxiety was quite high. Such difficulty concentrating on things which always increases anxiety. Then the OCD kicks in. Was going over and over things in my head and repeatedly checking over and over. It made me realise how far I have come since confronting my problems last October. It was like it used to be before and I don't like it one bit. I think it's just a brief relapse though, brought on by tiredness and not eating properly for a couple of days.

I bumped into an aquaintance today who told me I had put weight on! Cannot believe it. I have but you don't say that do you?! It was surprising not least because she was asking for a favour she knows I am reluctant to do! Nowt as strange as folk! Someone said that to me when I was recovering from anorexia and I went to pieces.

Lastly I am suffering something else too - Mulberry handbag envy! My friend has just bought the next Alexa! I would go for a different style myself but it is oh so nice! Wonder how long it will take to save £800!

Saturday, 13 March 2010

I'm back...

Not written all week due to catching the dreaded stomach bug which has been going around. Not pleasant! Off sick on Tuesday I was stressing about all the work mounting up but managed to reason that we are all allowed to be ill some time and work would just have to wait. Normally if I'm off sick I spend intense hours worrying about what's happening only to go back and find that while of course I was missed (!), things are fine. I think though that non sufferers of anxiety worry like this too so don't attribute it to GAD.

I feel with regards to locking up, that I have come to a sticking point. I have improved greatly getting my time down from half hour to between 12-15 mins but I don't seem to be able to improve further. I am still checking as matter of routine but have managed to decrease the amount of checks per item and there are a few things I no longer feel the need to check at all. The CBT book I am reading tells me to try not to check at all (apart from the obvious like shutting windows and locking doors etc.) which I have not done yet because I feel this level of exposure is too much for me. I do believe though that the golden rule of CBT is that no amount of exposure is too much. So from today I will try this out. I'm off to the hairdressers at lunchtime so we'll see how I get on without checking anything but the obvious. I'm quite excited actually as I have recently gone back to blond after five years as a brunette and today I'm having more blond highlights. It's true that being blond is more fun!

Sunday, 7 March 2010

Help! Is my CBT progress a problem?

I am confused now. It seems I am making progress with cognitive behaviour therapy but it is now causing me concern. Last night I went out for dinner and was quite relaxed before leaving the house. I did not feel such compulsion to check and just had a quick look around and did the obvious like shut the window, switch the heating off and lock the door. On my return I noticed that I did not unplug the TV or switch on the answer machine. The answer machine is not really important but what about the TV? Does conquering my OCD mean that I will be more likely to cause a disaster? Or is this just the OCD talking? I know people without OCD don't feel the need to check but if they return home and realise they left something on does this matter to them? Probably not. It just makes me think oh heck I should check. My rational mind though tells me that this is typical OCD thinking and that it's not a big deal. Do you know what I mean? Am I right? I hope I can continue to make progress and this won't set me back...

Friday, 5 March 2010

Almost normal!

Well, locking up was not too bad this am. Almost normal apart from needing to check the back door was locked! Even though I heard hubby lock it last night. I managed it in 15 mins. Not in the high spirits of late today though. I'm hungry and a bit tired and look it too as my skin is a bit dry. Anyway, it's Friday and the sun is shining. Weekend nearly here with actually no plans. That's nice.

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Strange eating habits have got to go

Today I have been more anxious due to my diet and lack of sleep. I am wondering if I can continue to run as my injury is refusing to mend. I think I need to take more time off from it - very disappointing! So I have decided to tighten up on the calorie allowance. I guess until my body adjusts to it and I stop being hungry my anxiety will stay higher. Hopefully not for more than a few days maybe?! It does effect my sleep too. OCD might be a bit tougher for a while. I could just eat normally I know, but putting weight on just makes me feel mad with myself.

Talking of diets, a long while ago I realised that my eating habits are very habitual and illogical. I am a strange kind of emotional eater. Usually emotional eaters are overweight, or so I believe, please tell me if I am wrong. I am not overweight because I have a little trick - I don't eat enough a mealtimes so I can rely on the emotional crutch of food later in the day. Not good - I know! Years ago I tried to diet and failed all the time until I one day I came up with a weight loss plan which worked too well and not only did I end up being disciplined enough to stop myself eating too much, I became anorexic. I am no longer anorexic but I have, since then, eaten small meals which are focal points of the day, knowing that I am then able to eat whenever I like at other times. It is like a comfort blanket. I need to give this a rest now, not only because it is mentally and physically bad for me but because it is also very distracting - being hungry and nibbling every two minutes. I am trying, as I have mentioned previously, to declutter my mind and life in general. This is one way in which I can make life more simple by doing the logical thing and not messing around. I will of course then be left with this gap the food used to fill (in my mind I mean not my stomach!). How will I feel when I have eaten enough lunch and it's 3:30pm and I'm sat at my desk thinking dinner is hours away? If I eat then it's too much food. If I don't how will I feel? Why is the emotional gap there in the first place? Let's see how I go tomorrow.

One last thing though is that tomorrow I need to lock up so am slightly concerned at how I'll cope since my anxiety is increased. Fingers crossed.

Monday, 1 March 2010

Hmmmph! Everything is tricky with OCD!

Excuse me for repeating myself (OCD makes me do that!) but OCD has a lot to answer for. Another interrupted nights sleep due to hunger induced anxiety setting off the repetative thoughts in my head. My mind would not properly switch off so while I did manage to sleep it was like being half asleep. Quite frustrating! Locking up was tougher than I am used to these days as a result. Tiredness always interferes with my anxiety and OCD. I did not do too bad though. I think it was 14 minutes.

It feels at times as though I am such a sensitive sole that every small thing effects me hugely. "Normal" people can just go for a run and feel good about it but I need to struggle with the hunger induced OCD. I guess it's not down to OCD that the running makes me so hungry though! Why don't you just eat more I hear you ask, but eating more food seems to make it pointless from a weight loss point of view.