Friday, 22 October 2010

Positively, slowly moving on...

I have realised, considering my last two blogs, that it is easier to deal with feelings which relate specifically to something than those which are more general. When I was critical of myself after my karate lesson I was able to reason and move on. What do you do when it is a more general overall feeling of frustration at yourself because if lack of self-esteem? I feel as though I cannot effectively grip the problem to resolve it. I suppose this is where the positive affirmations or "session" each day comes in. I hope to report back success! It has worked previously.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

OCD v Self-esteem

Whoa! This week has been tough and it's only Wednesday lunch time. Work has been crazy busy and when that happens I can react in one of two ways. Sometimes I love it and become very active and enthusiastic and enjoy the challenge. Other times I am plagued by self doubt and the OCD seems to gain strength which of course increases the self doubt. Unfortunately on Monday morning it was the latter way. I feel quite cheated because I believe that by nature I am a very confident individual and that my lack of self-esteem is a direct result of OCD. I am now tired and bit miserable. I am trying to pick myself up with positivity and I will get there but it's a struggle. I have felt as though I am sinking and not able to manage rather than seeing it as a challenge and getting stuck in and putting some energy in.

I wonder why I sometimes thrive on it and others want to disappear. Maybe it is simply my attitude and self-esteem at the time the situation arises. As I have mentioned previously I have been aiming to actively increase my self-esteem on a daily basis by having a "session", as I refer to it, when I consider my good points to give myself a boost. Lately I have not been doing this as life has kind of got in the way. Perhaps though if I were to have a "session" daily then life would not have the chance to get in the way and run away with me as I would remain more in control...

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Beating the effects of OCD. Lesson learned...

I went to my Karate lesson at lunchtime today which I thoroughly enjoyed as always. Afterwards I considered my performance. I am quite critical and can be hard on myself if I feel I could have performed better. This attitude is fine to a point because it all goes towards the desire to improve. But I tend to get frustrated and angry at myself. Never at the time but after the event when I start thinking about it. I start by recognising what I did wrong and how I could have done better. But then the criticism grows into something out of control. It quickly spirals from recognising errors to telling myself I am useless and will never be capable. Many years of feeling useless because of constantly not being able to even lock the door or turn off a tap or rather know whether I have done it or not because of my OCD take the blame for this. Any kind of failure or inadequacy, or at least what I believe to be so, can bring out all these feelings of negativity and lack of self-confidence I am harboring. Today was different. Today I changed my attitude towards myself. I looked at the situation from an objective point of view, considered how I could improve and decided that next week that is what I will do. I then got on with my day. I have just made it sound so easy. It is not. Self-hatred is a tough thing to control.

I do find it helps to each day reaffirm to myself my good points and what I enjoy about myself. It helps with my confidence and self-esteem and makes me stronger to remember I am a person with a personality and not just a functioning Obsessive Compulsive. I have a life to live and must be me and get on with it joyfully. Keeping these thoughts fresh means not only do I feel better about myself each day but I can more easily call on them in my hour of need. I know it might sound self-indulgent to say these things to myself but it’s a necessary boost. It works for me and today it saved the day.

Friday, 1 October 2010

A little goes a long way...

Feeling I had not done well locking up for a long time I was determined today to just calmly lock up and go. I did so well I ended up being ready to leave the house a little before I needed to. If only it could be like that everyday. I realise of course that it cannot. But now I know that that is ok as any progress is good. A little progress improves my confidence and then helps me improve a little more and then so on - hopefully. I used to think it had to be full on total OCD exposure which I think should be the aim as you should always aim high but at the same time be realistic enough not be disheartened if you cannot achieve it. As long as there is some progress then it's good stuff. Sometimes of course there will be tougher times but that is all part of the struggle.

Anyway it is the weekend now so I am planning to have some relaxation time - that is after Karate tomorrow morning!!