Tuesday, 27 April 2010

All is not well...

I have been off work the last two days with a heavy cold. On Sunday night as I went to bed I suddently developed a really congested nose and a headache. I did not sleep at all all night long so needless to say felt dreadful in the morning. Yesterday, once I eventaully surfaced late morning, I flitted around the house feeling as though I wanted to do something but was really too tired. I ended up reading my book and watching a bit of TV - Dr Who on BBC iPlayer is brilliant! Matt Smith is fantastic! I didn't sleep great last night either and haven't been in to work today. I felt pretty rough up until after lunch when I had a couple of painkillers - which have also helped the pain from the pulled muscle in my neck I have managed to acquire - and now don't feel too bad. The tiredness really sets off my OCD and from yesterday morning I have been going over what I should do with my day even though I know I would not usually even be at home. I also tend to feel the need to define myself. I know this sounds odd and wonder if anyone else who has anxiety finds this too. It's as though I am insecure and I need to reconfirm to myself who I am and what I "do" in my life. Does this make me sound really weird?!

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Make it stop!!

Had the hair sorted and it's now very neat and very blond. Fabulous! And yes I did buy the necklace. Ok, ok I'm crap. But I realised I have made good money on eBay. More than I thought so why not?

Anyway, a problem has resurfaced this afternoon. As well as being a checker I have repetative thoughts by which I mean I am compulsed to repeat a list of things over and over. Today I'm going over time and again what I plan to do with my afternoon. I'd actually just prefer to get on with it and enjoy it! Cannot complain too much though because I used to experience this everyday and in fact it was the norm.

Deep concentration on somrhing I enjoy usually kicks the compulsion away though so I think I shall absorb myself in Mr Toppit.

Relaxation in the sun - pah!

So that's my relaxation in the sun out the window then! Where is it?! Never mind. All is not lost as I was contemplating sorting out the mess of out of shape, half blond hair on my head. Sitting in the hairdressers on a warm sunny day seems like such a waste but I think now it's the order of the day.

I will try to stay out of the shops and remind myself that this is part of my sorting my life out plan since "coming out" (my way of describing telling my family I have OCD) in November last year. With this in mind I will try to ignore the fab turquoise necklace which keeps speaking to me (I don't mean literally - I am not completely mad). You see I used to spend money to make myself happy. Now I am much happier since "coming out" I have no excuse - only weakness! I'm actually trying to sell stuff on eBay. Good way of making some of the money back on the useless stuff I bought. Hurray for eBay.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Relaxation time...

What a beautiful day. Will sit in the garden and try to get as much relaxation time as possible after the couple of weeks I've had. I fancy visiting the shops but it will only end in catastrophe for the bank balance so I think reading Mr Toppit in the garden is the safest bet. Off for a stressbusting run first though.

Thought I'd upload a picture of the international symbol of hope which is a butterfly.

Friday, 23 April 2010

Feeling more normal...

Slept ok the last few nights (the anti-snoring aids hubby is using seem to work most of the time). As a result I am feeling more human and a lot less anxious. Good not least because I'm finishing a project at work today and don't need the stress! Hurrah the weekend is almost upon us. And it's pay day! I am thinking what can I buy? Naughty, naughty!

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Sleep deprivation...OCD

My husband has started to breath really loudly while asleep. I cannot sleep because of the noise and the last few days have been tough. Sleep deprivation is hard for anyone but when you suffer from anxiety and OCD it's quite unbearable. He has tried these things which you put in your nose to hold the airways open. He tried it on Sunday and it worked a treat but then for some reason on Monday it stopped working half way through the night so I lay awake. Feeling dreadful at work yesterday I started to get really worried thinking "what if it continues for ever?", "what if I start having panic attacks?" etc.. He bought a spray yesterday which does the same job - not sure how, and he tried it last night and all was quiet so fingers crossed they'll both work! I cannot cope with such tiredness because it just makes everything seem so dark and bad.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Breakthrough in confidence...

Work has been crazy because of the volcanic ash. Booking and rebooking flights for my managers, it has been very stressful. Normally this would make my anxiety and in turn OCD off the scale. This time though I handled it very well and managed to keep my OCD to a minimum. I am rather pleased but realise it is something I must continue to work on.

The diet is just nicely ticking along. I am just eating what I need and keeping it 95% healthy and am quite happy with it. I might treat myself this weekend at some point though.

Talking of treating myself I am enjoying my new purchase. I got a cash award at work and decided to spend it on something frivolous - a Miu Miu wallet! It is a classic style but very pretty. Grey pink croc print leather. Gorgeous! I can feel a new clutch bag coming on but the only problem with them is they tend to be small. Being a bookworm I rarely leave the house without a book but an overstuffed bag does not look good. Problems, problems...

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Found the logic...

Over the last few weeks I have been a little erratic to say the least and basically have been "going into one" about my weight. Well now I have stopped obsessing and discovered the logic I need to come to a sensible and realistic decision. I have been torn between what I want and what is right for me. I don't want my goal to be towards being skinny as that is unhealthy psychologically and physically. I also don't want to think my natural weight is whatever weight I end up being when my appetite is fulfilled - there are a lot of large people with big appetites! I now realise I have been thinking too much and haven't been able to see the woods for the trees. I guess obsessions are like that. I just need to lose the excess. Simple as that. It doesn't matter what number the label in my clothes says, as long as I lose the excess I will be healthy.

Sunday, 4 April 2010

I put rosemary in the lasagne...

Whenever I go on a strict diet I always loose my mind. I think the energy from the little food I do eat goes elsewhere and completely bypasses my brain. So low on energy I do silly things from the lack of concentration. I am cooking lasagne, something I have done countless times, and I have just put rosemary in it! It should be basil and oregano. It tastes good actually, but that's not the point. I've not had a good week this last week with starving myself stupid. I think I need to accept that my ass is bigger than I want it to be. It works for J-Lo but then I don't have her face. I have done very well at work this past year and have been rewarded for it. I don't want to jeoparise this by having no energy and consequently lack the concentration I need. Progression at work has done wonders for my self esteem over recent weeks. My new found concentration and less anxiety is largly down to eating correctly. I know that only a foolish airhead would wave that away for a smaller behind.

Let's go eat that lasagne.

Friday, 2 April 2010

I must be crazy

Mental and physical tiredness, lack of interest or enthusiam in anything, lack concentration, wondering mind, feeling down and moody, increased anxiety, OCD and obsessions - all caused by lack of food. And I'm doing this am I?!

Kept up by the cooker...

Didn't sleep great last night. I was just going to bed when I unfortunately remembered that I'd used the cooker earlier so I "had" to check it. I went to bed still with some doubt and it bothered me for a long while until I could get to sleep. The compulsion to check again never really faded. Normally I sleep better on a night when I don't have to set my alarm as worrying it's set is what bothers me. I guess when you have OCD anything can bother you. I wasn't in a very happy mood either because I have been so consistently hungry lately and I don't think being down helps OCD.

My parents are staying tonight. It will be the first time I have seen them since I told them by email that I have OCD which was six months ago. I wonder what they will ask/say. I hope they bring up the subject as I will be quite offended if they don't think it important enough to. They can be quite unpredictable. Maybe they'll wait for me to bring it up.