Sunday, 12 October 2014

Finding my peace

The last year and a half has been a testing time. My OCD and Anxiety have led me down a dark path but I have managed to find my way back. My OCD made me feel powerless and frustrated. My fears and anxieties drove me to despair. This all brought  about an intense anger from which came dark thoughts of people telling me I was useless and no good. Constantly taunting me on a daily basis. Living a meaningfull happy life felt out of reach and things seemed hopeless. Suicidal thoughts became the norm. I felt powerless to help myself with all the noise and angst in my head. Whenever I got an idea of what I might do to help myself I found all I could do was compulsively repeat it to myself over and over again.

I had therapy for OCD and GAD early this year which helped. The therapist has both herself which gave me more confidence in her method of overcoming them and that I also could. I managed to gain control of both with determination and the sense that I just had to get myself out of this. But the anger was still there and remained an intense problem. I had therapy for this more recently. I needed to have some peace in my mind. My therapist helped me to understand that all the issues come from fear. OCD and GAD come from fear of course and fear causes anger. Also they cause frustration and a sense of a lack of control which feed the anger. They make me feel as though I am weak which again feeds anger. Knowing they all come from fear seemed to be a turning point. It made it all seem more simplified and manageable if it was all from the same place. It felt like a challenge I could take on and I felt empowered to face and fight the fear head on. I always knew the issues were all closely related but I had still always viewed them as separate. I think partly because I like to pull things apart and look at them and also because they have their own methods of treatment. But of course they originate from the same place.

I have started to use meditation to calm the angry thoughts and to help me have clarity of mind so I am better able to deal with things. This has been very effective. With a chaotic, obsessive mind it is very difficult to work through problems. Like a run away train thoughts are out of control. Imagine you are in a room full of papers you need to tidy into orderly piles. The problem is there is a whirlwind I the room. When you tidy the papers as soon as you put them down in a neat pile whoosh they are all over the place again. It is out of control. You need to switch the whirlwind off. Meditation does this. Meditation gives me a much needed sense of peace and calm and clarity. This enables me to sort out what I need to in my mind.

Looking at the more long term effects of anxiety I have found it changed me as a person. I became introverted, closed off and distant making it difficult to maintain friendships. I have found that I have lost out on close friendships because I feel as though I cannot connect with people. Partly because of a lack of interest due to being down and obsessed with my own mind and partly because I felt I was living a lie. Having this big bad secret I could not share with anyone for fear they would turn against me. Anxiety is a lonely place. I feel I have lost out for years due to anxiety. Not only on friends but also on opportunities not taken for fear things will go wrong or that I will show myself up by not being good enough.

Now I feel I am in control of things. I have found a more peaceful place. It is early days but I feel I am at a point where I am starting to think about how I can move forward and progress in my life. I now feel able to think beyond my mind problems. No longer obsessing about my anxieties and plagued by angry thoughts. I am much more positive about myself and my ability to overcome these difficulties and stay on top of them. Maybe I would like to start something new. Something for me to enjoy and feel a little achievement in.