Sunday, 16 October 2011

Slap in the face...

Us people with OCD can always find a reason not to do something. Things are too scary, too risky, too dangerous. There is always a reason to say no. I was invited to Turkey last week and at first thought it best not to go. Apart from the many “risks” involved with holidays I considered reasons not to go such as I am moving house soon therefore, I need to save money, I need to save my annual leave from work and I might be needed by the solicitor for example while I am away. I then decided I could really do with a holiday because of all the stress of moving and all the usual anxieties I go through and so I began to reconsider. I thought I was probably being typically over cautions because the facts are I could afford it, I will have two weeks annual leave left which is plenty for moving house and since I would only be away for one week if the solicitor or whoever else needed me they could wait that short time. I decided to go and felt good about the decision. I thought any “normal” person would decide to go and felt rather bold and decisive for once.

Then came the trouble. After making my “good” decision when I arrived the weather was terrible so I could not enjoy the usual beach and sea stuff that we generally go for then two days after arriving there was total disaster when I ended up in hospital because I caught an infection in my digestive system. I was on a drip and had to have antibiotics by intravenous injection. I have been given tablets I need to take and am on a special diet. I am feeling rather sorry for myself. I basically got no holiday and am thinking how could I have got it so wrong. I know I am not the only person who has gone on holiday and ended up in hospital but that does not make me feel much better. It really feels like a slap in the face when I felt I had done so well to beat my anxieties and over cautious behaviour and make a normal good decision.

I have become more fearful of germs and bacteria now too. I don't have that type of OCD but have tendencies towards it from time to time and this does not help. Hopefully that will pass. I hate feeling sorry for myself and it is not endearing...but I do. Boohoo. I will get over it though as you do.