Friday, 28 May 2010

The Storm...

My last blog was the calm before the storm. I should have seen it coming. I have had the most awful week. I am having problems at work because someone is being unfair to me and I am a painfully sensitive person. I shall not elaborate but suffice to say it's been a tough one. My stress levels have been crazy to the point where I started to have stomache pains and headaches and as for the OCD - well I'm sure you can imagine. Anyway, I have taken steps towards sorting it out and I think things are now going in the right direction although it will probably be a long tough road. It's a matter which has been going on for a while, slowly making me more and more fearful so it's not helped my personal issues (which they are not aware of) at all.

Anyway, a long weekend is here. I'm off today to travel to visit family and of course it's a bank holiday weekend. Fabulous!

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Relaxing in the sun contemplating my weekend away and not getting fatter!

Hurray, it's the weekend and the sun is shining bright and hot. Must get in the garden and enjoy it. There is nothing quite as relaxing as being outdoors in the good weather especially if you have a nice garden with lots of flowers and twittering birds and a good book. Bliss. I'll try not to get too wound up about doing all the housework and the chores as I usually do. I tend to feel bad if I've not done it and on top of that I am away next weekend so cannot really skip anything this weekend.

Going away for the weekend always effects my OCD. I tend to get anxious that I am packing the right clothes and that they are appropriate and look nice and that I have my schedule correct etc. I'm only going to see my parents not going to Australia! But I will probably still get wound up. Also, I never tend to sleep well when I'm away from home (which I guess is the case for a lot of people) and my OCD really has fun under those circumstances.

Back to the weight issue. I will try not to bore with this as I know I tend to go off on one about it. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a check up. He told me my weight and BMI are perfect. This is great not only because it means I am healthy but because if you'd have asked me beforehand I would have told you I think I'm just ok at the moment so at last I have a realistic view of my weight rather than being convinced I'm too big. I do have to admit though that that thought was closely followed by thinking I must be cautious that I don't put any more on though as then I'd be overweight. But I am not feeling worried - just being aware.

Saturday, 15 May 2010


I have been coping fairly well over the last few months with my compulsions to check. Some days are better than others. The repetition of internal thoughts has also been very good indeed apart from occasions usually when I am tired or under the weather. Since I have been really tired this week I have struggled a lot with repetitive thoughts but am hoping a restful weekend will help out with that. One thing though which I cannot seem to put a stop to is checking my alarm. Each night before I go to bed, on a "school" night, I have to check my alarm many times just in case I did not set it and I don't get up for work which I feel would be a disaster. I even have two alarms in case one does not go off but of course that means checking two! Does that make it easier or harder? Not sure. I used to go to bed each night repeating a list of things which worry me and the purpose of this is to reasure although it's pretty tough getting to sleep when you're repeating a list to yourself! I have started to do this again this last week because of my tired state of mind. Please let it pass. Still have to come up with a plan for the alarm checking though. Perhaps limit myself to two checks each alarm. Any ideas welcome.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

I thought exercise was good for mental health?!

I have started running each morning. They say it's supposed to make you feel energised but I am exhausted. I started running three miles from last week, had the weekend off and started again this week and I have no energy at all. Overdoing it? My mind is sluggish which tends to cause me anxiety and in turn OCD. I also find the tiredness and sluggishness quite depressing and it seems to sap my confience. I'm not sleeping as well either! I don't feel properly tired each evening. Maybe the sluggishness stops me tireing my mind out during the day so I'm not tired at night or am I talking rubbish? I am reluctant to stop running so perhaps I could do fewer each week and build up. I feel I should be able to manage it though. I'm not superwoman but it's only three miles!

Sunday, 9 May 2010

Will I ever find the answer?

Is it true that you can help to overcome anxiety and OCD by finding out the cause? I am still waiting to see a psychologist after going to my doctor in November last year. It can take a year! Last week I became frustrated at my anxiety when considering the logistics of various things I have to do. I became obsessed with the details and had to go over and over them. I recognised this as OCD and realised that people without these problems would not even consider these things an issue but they make me anxious. I'm not usually one for thinking "why me" but hey, I'm only human. Why do I have these anxieties and if I can ever discover why then can I work towards putting a stop to them? It remains to be seen for me but it would be useful if anyone else has a knowledge of this being the case.

Monday, 3 May 2010

And on and on...

The compulsion to repeat a list of things to do is still here. On and on it goes. I have pretty much just decided to try to relax and enjoy the rest of the bank holiday weekend and not bother trecking into the West End (as I do each day for work). I think I'll just nip to the local town for some bits for dinner and then do a few things around the house namely list more items on eBay. I feel the compulsion fading now. Perhaps that's it for the day? Selling bags is probably smarter than buying them which was my main reason for going to the West End. I know, I know I am not supposed to be buying them after my self imposed kind of ban but Orla Kiely has brought out a fab collection of leather bags. I like the canvas but can only do leather I'm afraid. They're rather wonderful. Perhaps I'll have a little trip to Fenwick in the week! Bad girl! :o)

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Generalised Anxiety Disorder "GAD" revisited...

It seems GAD is feeling left out and wants some attention. I am feeling a bit confused today. I go through cloudy periods where I am lost in my own OCD world where I go over repetative thoughts and try to reassure myself about the anxieties I am able to identify. I feel somehow disconnected from the rest of the world. Usually this is brought on by any or a combination of lack of food or sleep or being unwell all of which have been problems recently. I guess I just need to look after myself more now I'm feeling better.