Thursday, 4 March 2010

Strange eating habits have got to go

Today I have been more anxious due to my diet and lack of sleep. I am wondering if I can continue to run as my injury is refusing to mend. I think I need to take more time off from it - very disappointing! So I have decided to tighten up on the calorie allowance. I guess until my body adjusts to it and I stop being hungry my anxiety will stay higher. Hopefully not for more than a few days maybe?! It does effect my sleep too. OCD might be a bit tougher for a while. I could just eat normally I know, but putting weight on just makes me feel mad with myself.

Talking of diets, a long while ago I realised that my eating habits are very habitual and illogical. I am a strange kind of emotional eater. Usually emotional eaters are overweight, or so I believe, please tell me if I am wrong. I am not overweight because I have a little trick - I don't eat enough a mealtimes so I can rely on the emotional crutch of food later in the day. Not good - I know! Years ago I tried to diet and failed all the time until I one day I came up with a weight loss plan which worked too well and not only did I end up being disciplined enough to stop myself eating too much, I became anorexic. I am no longer anorexic but I have, since then, eaten small meals which are focal points of the day, knowing that I am then able to eat whenever I like at other times. It is like a comfort blanket. I need to give this a rest now, not only because it is mentally and physically bad for me but because it is also very distracting - being hungry and nibbling every two minutes. I am trying, as I have mentioned previously, to declutter my mind and life in general. This is one way in which I can make life more simple by doing the logical thing and not messing around. I will of course then be left with this gap the food used to fill (in my mind I mean not my stomach!). How will I feel when I have eaten enough lunch and it's 3:30pm and I'm sat at my desk thinking dinner is hours away? If I eat then it's too much food. If I don't how will I feel? Why is the emotional gap there in the first place? Let's see how I go tomorrow.

One last thing though is that tomorrow I need to lock up so am slightly concerned at how I'll cope since my anxiety is increased. Fingers crossed.

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