Sunday, 21 October 2012

Self attack

I think I can be pretty good at figuring all this stuff out sometimes. I blog that I have this problem and wonder what should I do about it. Next blog I have it sussed. Not so with everything. One thing I cannot fully understand is the viscous thinking in my head. Thoughts of people telling me I am rubbish. Scenarios my imagination thinks up right out of the blue for no reason which is apparent - they are just there. Arguments, confrontations, derogatory remarks, being laughed at, made fun of always by fictional people most of whom are faceless, nameless and rarely the same. I know this is all because of self hate. Hate because I am not good enough because I have these problems which mean I am imperfect, because I did not do well in school, because I don't think I have anything to offer the world. This is all deep stuff. But really I think I'm alight. I am a good person who gets on well with everyone and I work hard for a living and am good at what I do. I have my loving husband and family. I have my karate which I love and am fairly good at. I'm really not that bad at all. But this is my conscious thinking. Which is quite different to my unconscious opinions (outlined above) formed when I was growing up and feeling bad about myself as I discovered I didn't have any academic ability and believed I didn't have any skills. Even though I now realise this is not true I still feel the same worthlessness deep down. How can I make it go? I think I won't find the answer to this one because I think it won't leave and I have to live with it. 

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