I went to my Karate lesson at lunchtime today which I thoroughly enjoyed as always. Afterwards I considered my performance. I am quite critical and can be hard on myself if I feel I could have performed better. This attitude is fine to a point because it all goes towards the desire to improve. But I tend to get frustrated and angry at myself. Never at the time but after the event when I start thinking about it. I start by recognising what I did wrong and how I could have done better. But then the criticism grows into something out of control. It quickly spirals from recognising errors to telling myself I am useless and will never be capable. Many years of feeling useless because of constantly not being able to even lock the door or turn off a tap or rather know whether I have done it or not because of my OCD take the blame for this. Any kind of failure or inadequacy, or at least what I believe to be so, can bring out all these feelings of negativity and lack of self-confidence I am harboring. Today was different. Today I changed my attitude towards myself. I looked at the situation from an objective point of view, considered how I could improve and decided that next week that is what I will do. I then got on with my day. I have just made it sound so easy. It is not. Self-hatred is a tough thing to control.
I do find it helps to each day reaffirm to myself my good points and what I enjoy about myself. It helps with my confidence and self-esteem and makes me stronger to remember I am a person with a personality and not just a functioning Obsessive Compulsive. I have a life to live and must be me and get on with it joyfully. Keeping these thoughts fresh means not only do I feel better about myself each day but I can more easily call on them in my hour of need. I know it might sound self-indulgent to say these things to myself but it’s a necessary boost. It works for me and today it saved the day.