So far so good...

Last few days I have stuck to my meals with my PM and evening snacks with nothing else. I must admin I am feeling a little hungry but I guess it takes a while to get my system used to new eating habits. The funny thing is, although actually I guess it's quite logical but I enjoy my meals more. I guess you do if you're more hungry. It will be good if I can continue with this approach to eating. No messing around snacking and hopefully I can more easily control my weight. The important thing to remember I think is to make sure I get all my nutrients in each meal. With the odd bit of chocolate now and again of course!

I am not feeling much more anxious either but I need to keep an eye on that as I don't want my OCD becoming worse. I'll need all my discipline with fighting that nagging doubt when locking up etc.

Oh to be thin and anxiety free...

Recently I have been feeling as though I have gained too much weight. I tried on some old dresses the other day and felt big in all of them. I bought two of them about ten years ago and in that time I have lost loads of weight and put it back on. It’s the second bit that bothers me. One dress fit me last December when I bought it for the work Christmas party. It’s only July and it is really quite tight. I realise that until very recently I had been hungry most of the time as I tried so hard to be thinner but trying on the dresses now has really made me think. How big will I get?! I know I need to eat enough for my health and that hunger causes problems with my anxiety and OCD but I do feel as though I have excess I should lose. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what size society dictates women should be and others I think why don't I look like that thin girl over there? Since realising I am easily influenced by the opinons of others I have come to the conclusion that, of course, it is my opinion which matters not other peoples. I do feel uncomfortable and as though I have gained too much. The question is how to loose some and deal with my increased anxiety, hopefully just while I adjust to it. I know I have been here before but I feel I must do something now.

Self-esteem and me...

I realise I have not written for ages! I have just been pootaling along with my efforts to learn to be myself, appreciate and love myself and I think it's working. I am also using what I have learnt from Spirituality. I recently went to an Inner Space (centre of peace and spirituality in Covent Garden, London) talk on self-esteem which was very useful and reminded me that happiness really comes from within, from learning who you are, your values and loving yourself for them. I am meditating for 10-20 mins per day, concentrating on my good values and basically how lovely I am which sounds ever so self-indulgent but hey if you need to convince yourself you're worthy of love you've got to do it!

Now, about the OCD full on exposure. I am trying to be strict and not doing too bad but it's a case of constantly telling myself to challenge it every time without exception. Lots of work still to be done but at least I'm going in the right direction. Ongoing, never ending but one day I'll be winning!

Self-esteem through individuality?

I am quite hung up on the issue of lacking self worth and having low self-esteem as a result of not being given enough love and attention as a child. How do you get over that? How do you as an adult restore the feelings of love and being loved and valued which were not instilled in infancy? I don’t think you can, surely. I know my parents love me but don’t feel it if you see the difference. I wonder if I need now to stop considering the love I didn’t/don’t feel and to start loving myself. Perhaps I can get that love, value and self-worth through “self”-respect. How to achieve this? I have been reading a book called Affluenza which tells of how different races bring up their children and the love and values attainted as a result. It tells of how one nation strictly instill in their children that they must be good at everything they do and that love is conditional on this. Anything less than perfection is not good enough. Also, it states that any individuality is worked out of the child as they must be made to conform. Depression and anxiety are huge problems in the country. This got me thinking. When I was younger I was very sure of myself and confident in that I was and wanted to be an individual. I took great pride in this fact. It increased my self value and self respect to exorcise my right to be me and not to conform to what was expected of me. I have since teenhood/early 20’s become more boring in order to be more accepted as wackyness and individuality can be frowned upon. I think I have allowed myself to be sucked in to what society wants from me and have conformed to this. Perhaps if I could re-gain this perspective and be myself I could develop and strengthen my self worth and self pride. I have strong opionions on individuality but at the same time I want approval. But instead of gaining approval from others (actually I do often get complimented on my sense of style) I have compromised my own personal individuality and I think therefore have allowed my own sense of self to diminish.

I, of course, understand why people conform if they crave approval but would it not make more sense though to be myself no matter what others think and in being myself I will be happier and will be more likely to succeed. People like happy and successful people = approval. Ta-da! Is it that simple? Am I nieve?