From fear to joy

I was so upset on Friday night. I was signed up for a karate competition on Saturday but was feeling really unsure about it. Since I have been down I have not had as much focus on my karate practice I am afraid to say and I really was not at all confident. Also, I was planning to drive to the venue which is somewhere I have never been let alone driven. The whole thing was quite a scary prospect for me. I really did not want to go in the end and spent about half an hour crying about it. I decided though that it would be worse to not go as giving up would be too depressing. I thought that I can at least go and have a try. Ok I don't expect to do well but having competition experience is valuable in itself. So on Saturday morning I got up early, did some practice, sorted out the Sat Nav and off I went.

I won. I beat a guy! I was so happy I could not believe it. Yey! I managed the drive with no problems too. In the afternoon I drove to my usual lesson and was feeling good. Is it me who doubts myself or is it that life is just full of surprises?

Today though I have been really hard on myself. I went out to practice my parking and managed well apart from on my parallel parking. Oh dear me! I cannot do it. How hard can it be?! But my mind was struggling and in the end I had to give up because it was baking hot and I was not feeling great with that and the frustraion. Plus the brakes were too warm! That is how long I was doing it for. I felt such a fool which maybe I was but what I also did was disregard all the good I have done and just started to focus on that one negative thing. I am trying to make myself consider all the good stuff I have managed to do. Hubby will take me out next weekend to teach me the parallel parking. Bless him!  

Black cloud descends but the sun is in sight...

Yesterday my husband and I went out and I drove. This time it was quite different to the day before. I found I was more confident on my own!!! This is from being totally dependent on having someone else in the car helping me. I think I had gained enough confidence to go out alone which was great. But then I had my husband correcting me. He was of course trying to be helpful but I am so sensitive I take it as criticism. It takes one negative comment to knock me down and ten to build me up. I have been feeling down since then but am now reasoning that I did fine on my own and the criticism is intended to be helpful and I just need to take it on board and learn from it. Onwards and upwards.

I did it!

I went out in my car by myself this morning! It was scary but not quite as much as I thought. I actually enjoyed it. I do keep getting fearful thoughts of what if this and that happens. I think I can deal with this in two ways. Firatly, ensure I continue to go by the rules and also expand my road knowledge. Secondly spot the fearful thoughts and deal with them in a practical way by asking myself "in that situation what is the correct thing to do"? therefore learning and reasoning. I have not had chance to be in any kind of negative mood today as I have been far too preoccupied to have wondering thoughts. It is amazing how your mind just wanders to the negative when it has idle time.

A little sunshine

Today I have felt quite a bit more happy. I've had a little sunshine today. I had a stormy mid morning with a conflict of opinion at work but that settled and I have felt more positive. I can see things from a more calm, optimistic point of view. I just need to keep remembering to spot the negative thoughts and what my OCD free twin would think and do. I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow for me...

Bit of a storm

Well the day has been a bit stormy. My insecurities were on annoyed mode today. We went for a drive which I was excited to do but felt nervous throughout. My husband said I did really well and had improved from last time although he hadn't thought I was too bad before. All progress. I find though that one minor thing can scare me. You just have to mention cyclists, motorcyclists or children and I start thinking am I going to do something wrong and before you know it I am imagining scenarios and that I will be in trouble.  Spotting and changing this way of thinking is tough. One of the things I learnt in CBT for checking is to imagine I were my OCD free twin and what she would think. Would she check? No! So maybe I can try to work out how she would think about these things. She would probably just learn the lesson, be happy and get on with it.

Looking for my sunshine

Well I have been trying to face my fears. I have done a bit of driving and have entered a karate competition! The black cloud is still there. It is turning grey though - but slowly. It's like something has been disconnected and I can't the get the fun back. It's like the light went out and I have to locate the on switch. I'm a bit numb in a way. My brothers wife had a baby a few days ago which made me so happy and I thought I got my light back but that has faded now. It's almost worse than being anxious because at least then I feel alive and motivated. Anyway, I will be careful what I wish for!! I'm trying to adjust my outlook to optimistic and not take anything too seriously and see things as though they should be enjoyed. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I'm in grey cloud but hopefully the sun will shine tomorrow...