Don't need to check? But what if.....

Everyday I try not to check as do all of those with OCD. We tell ourselves over and again that we should not and sometimes manage not to. But what if? I know the words "what if" are very dangerous and destructive to those with OCD and we should not entertain them but what if someone leaves the back door unlocked? You usually try not to check it as 99 times out if 100 they remember to lock it. This morning I was about to leave for work and I noticed that the key was not in the cupboard next to my vitamins so I looked at the lock and there it was. I wondered if he'd turned the key highly suspecting he had not. I pulled the handle and it opened. I was annoyed because of the security risk but also because he knows I have OCD and that this will not help. So now I am left thinking does this mean I do have to check everything?! My rational mind says not but my OCD is giving me an evil grin. I wonder if I can put this down to one of those occasional things and continue to walk away from the doubt each time I get the urge to check. What do you think?

Combining CBT & Meditation is the answer?!

On Sunday evening I went to an Inner Space talk on "being" which basically means being happy in yourself with what you have rather than planning to be happy when you obtain something or reach a goal. It was useful and one thing he suggested is meditation which I do anyway - although probably not enough if I'm honest - he suggested this should be done in the morning whereas I usually do it in the evening. I have been reading my CBT book yesterday and Wednesday night as I needed some support and encouragement on that. Well the last couple of days I have meditated and not really got as much out of it as I have in the evening but today I felt so relaxed that I managed to lock up in - wait for it- seven minutes!!! It used to take me 40. Perhaps CBT should be accompanied with a few mins daily meditation. Let's see if it continues to work so well. I hope it was not a fluke. I did make an effort to ingnore my compulsions but it seemed easier than before.

Changing my ways? Time will tell...

Since beginning to learn about what is important and what makes us - or rather me - happy I have been considering the huge amount of shopping I do. My huge handbag collection for which I am well known among my friends and family and the way in which I am attracted to jewellery like a magpie. Is it all really that important? Should I really be spending my hard earned cash on this stuff? Well obviously not but we all do lots of things we know we shouldn't really do. I enjoy my beautiful possessions and appreciate them but I think it's now sinking in that it does not actaully make me happy. The other day I spent hours agonising over whether to buy something and when I eventually bought it I did not feel much better for having made that decision probably because I know that it is not something I need, is frivolous, is greedy going too far? And I now have less money. Lesson learnt? Time will tell. The reading up on spirituality and Buddhism I have done has tought me about how happiness comes from inside yourself and how you feel about yourself and the world. Nothing external and nothing material should control your happiness. I think it's an interesting point and while difficult to get your head around, once you begin to it really makes sense. Well I'm off now as I need to go to the Post Office to send off one of my many possessions I have sold / am selling on eBay. Perhaps I can make some of that hard earned cash back.

Commencement of the unusual anxiety combat plan

Well now I can tell you about my unconventional OCD/Anxiety combat plan. Karate! Because I am anxious or maybe aside from being anxious - I am not sure - I can be intimidated easily and quite fearful. Relatively minor things make me scared and things which the average (whatever that is) person would find a bit scary I find terrifying. One day a few weeks ago I was walking down the road with my Louis Vuitton handbag in the undesirable area in which I live and this guy said to me "That's a nice bag. Is it real?". To which I too quickly replied "No. I wish". I was immediately scared that I was in danger of being mugged. Not right then but in the future. The feeling increased and I felt totally crushed as though I had a big black cloud hanging over my head and as though I was destined to be attacked. It was all I could think about and when I got home I burst into tears. My husband understood why I was scared but said my reaction was too much which I already realised for myself. But the problem is that knowing it's over the top does not make it go away. I thought that something really has to change. I need to do something empowering and demonstrative. I have liked the idea of Karate since I was a child and never got around to it through laziness and fear. Now I am doing it because of fear. To get rid of it. I had my first lesson today and loved it so much. I really hope it will help and believe it is already increasing my confidence.

As for the diet, well I am still tweaking that around. I really am one hungry monster. I think years of watching what I eat has made me think diet food is the norm when in fact people not wishing to loose weight really need a whole lot more. Especially when they run and do Karate! We're going out for dinner tonight as it's my Birthday on Monday (not an ideal night to go out). Dessert or not? We'll see.

Good intentions and determination...

Well the new eating plan is going well. No snacking willy nilly, here and there although it has been tough as I don't think I ate enough the last couple of days and did not sleep well last night. I woke up hungry this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. Maybe I just need to get used to it but I probably should eat slightly larger meals. I do feel better for eating more normally.

On a different note I have come up with an unconventional but possible and very likely anxiety combat plan. I won't say anything yet as it is early days but I think I have an idea that might help me out. Well see.

Again I have reminded myself of the total OCD exposure I am supposed to be aiming for. I keep slipping and giving in. Must stay determined and strong willed!