Following on from my last blog – a long while ago it seems - today I have reminded myself of the reason I have so much anger, lack of self-esteem, insecurity and general disharmony in my life. It is because I am not what I value. I have lots of things which I value such as a lovely husband, good job, karate, family, friends and possessions. But I am not anything which I grew up to value. I grew up noticing all the pupils who were brighter than me at school. Also, I noticed the ones who were prettier, thinner and had natural talents and abilities. Of course, we all compare and unfortunately I had none of these things. The trouble is I have always valued them and have not really placed enough value elsewhere. Put this together with my feelings of inadequacy brought on by being ruled by OCD and anxiety. The constant feelings of being controlled by these disorders and feeling powerless against them adding greatly to my lack of self-esteem. Consequently I now feel empty, as though I am nothing. It looks like a whole package: brains, beauty and natural talent. How wonderful to have the full set. But what are you if you don’t even have one of these? Empty? Nothing? Probably not, if I am being fair and reasonable. But this is how I feel. I am trying to see other attributes which I do have. I am organised and good at my job. Is this good enough when pitched against brains? Probably not but I do give it value. I am not a beauty but am ok looking and it is often commented on how young I look for my age. I have managed to maintain a slim figure while others are putting on weight as they age. I have no natural talents but I am doing well in karate which is a great skill to acquire. I have also learnt to drive in spite of my anxiety doing its best to stop me. Of course I have been comparing up since childhood. Maybe I can compare down more and realise my value. I need to feel I am something otherwise this lack of self-esteem just eats away at me. The vicious thoughts mentioned in my last blog still plague me but not nearly as much as they used to. So I am making some progress then! I am getting better at recognising my value but it is a slow and long process. I often forget why I feel the way I do when I get caught up in life’s twists and turns as we tend to do. I feel better each time I realise why I feel this way. It gives me a sense of clarity and understanding. From that point I feel I can maybe make progress and learn to change the way I feel. I did believe that OCD and anxiety played the largest part in my feelings of low self-esteem. However, there are many things in life which effect my self-esteem. Currently my OCD and anxiety are pretty good so they are not to blame at the moment. Can you change your values? Maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I just need to learn to appreciate other values. Accept what I am not and learn to see and value what I am.
