The power of positive thinking...

I have just learned the importance of positive thinking. It should never be underestimated. NEVER! It is also therefore, true to say never underestimate the power of negative thinking. Last November when it became apparent I needed to share my OCD secret with my family because of a partial "breakdown" I took great comfort from a book called "Who Rules In Your Life?" by Miriam Subirana which is based on the teachings of the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual University. This book teaches you that you are the ruler of your life in terms of how you deal with your life by thinking positively. It is a very useful tool in dealing with the small things and the big and your overall approach to daily life. Thinking positively massively influences all decisions you make, the way you feel and live. I realised the importance of this back in November however, life being what it is, even the the most inspiring of things can get forgotten if you allow yourself, as one naturally does, to get caught up in life without pausing now and again to consider your spiritual state of mind and well being. This is what I have done. Gradually, slowly the negative thinking has crept back in without me even noticing. You'd think it obvious but no it wasn't. My OCD became worse (as I mentined on my blog a few days ago) and I am not sure why. Maybe it was the negative thinking?! I was quite down about this and then became aware that I was thinking negatively. While I tried to improve my OCD with total exposure, which is helping, I then proceeded to spend the next few days dwelling on my bad feelings while trying to tell myself not to be negative. The dwelling on it then intertwines with my OCD and I then compulsively think about it constantly in an effort to sort it out and find the solution. This all gets very depressing and I need to break away from the compulsion to think about it. The realisation alone, that I was negative thinking was not enough to turn it around. I then picked up the book today and started reading and already have begun to feel a bit better. The book and spirituality/positive thinking will from today onwards be a permanent fixture in my progress and maintenance of a positive, healthy and stable mind. I can recommend it to anyone.

Sunshine therapy...sanity v safety

Well how nice it is to have the day off. It's boiling hot and I have had to come in from the garden. The sunshine really does make everything seem that bit more positive. I did a bit of shopping this morning for a few bits and pieces and something for lunch. I made the mistake of wearing a pair of new-ish snakeskin sandals which absolutely killed my poor feet. I think they'll have to be sitting down sandals - not what they are meant for but never mind. So here I am watching Wimbledon and thinking of writing about some of my OCD "episodes" which seems quite daunting.

I locked up with ease this morning. My way of thinking at the moment is that quite frankly my sanity and happiness are more important than whether the tv is unplugged. The fear of losing control is greater than my fear of what might happen if something is left on or unlocked.

What joy is the sun...

I decided to book a day off work tomorrow. I strangely feel I have to justify the luxury. Well here goes: I have plenty of holiday as I didn't take it all last year, it's not too busy at the moment, the sun is shining at last and quite frankly I want to. I do enjoy having the odd day off now and then. As long as I don't stress too much about my in box at work!

Whatever to do? Well sunbathe but first there's a little shopping I want to do and I might finish off with watching Wimbledon in the afternoon. I'm trying to do a little writing about some "experiences" of OCD. Not sure how interesting that will be to anyone who does not have OCD though!

I am really making at effort on the total exposure. I have rarely managed to refrain from checking at all but have massively cut down the checks so I will just keep aiming for no checks and see how I go.

Relapse...

The OCD checking has really got the better of me. I'm not sure if I have become more anxious or more lazy in terms of controlling the thing. It's probably a combination. I realise it's somthing which I must keep a constant eye on. It is so easy to let the old habit of checking slip back into routine. One little check here and there becomes a full on ritual and from there it just continues to grow. I have been reminded of one tip I got from a self help book "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" which is that carrying out just one quick check just to be on the safe side is a seductive and hazardous route to keep the OCD going. Very true. To be really effective in using CBT and exposure I guess the rule needs to be absolutely no checking. I think the reality is that that is extremely hard and brave. I can but try...

Well that never happened...

The difficult conversation never even happened because the other person, who's place it is to instigate the conversation, never approached me and I'm now thinking it won't happen. I am not sure how we can go forward and progress without doing so though. The worry though has faded now and I feel prepared for what I want to say if the situation arises.

On to far more interesting things now. Bought myself a little present. I am lucky enough to have, despite the economic problems, received a bonus at work so have purchased a fabulous ink blue clutch bag from Mulberry. I have many handbags but had not until recently bought a Mulberry so am v excited! Is soooo nice. Yes it seems very superficial and silly compared to any of the above but these little things do give genuine pleasure - and I do work hard for it. The frivolous things in life do make things that bit sweeter when you need it. Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

The fear...

I now wish I had read the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" because I think it might help me with something I have to do tomorrow. Let's just say it's a confrontation situation. I need to have a difficult conversation with a person who scares me. I do not want to do it but have no choice. I am worried that I will not put my point accross well. Wish me luck - please!

Extreme sensitivity...

Does anyone else with Generalised Anxiety Disorder or OCD find that they are really sensitive? I find that if I am told I am doing something wrong by someone who I find intimidating I can be devastated. Even when the issue is not a big deal. I either feel irrationally bad about myself for making the mistake or just really frightened of the individual. Or both. This is quite a problem for me at the moment because I feel strongly one way and my logic tells me otherwise but my feelings are so strong that I cannot ignore them. Help! Do you know what on earth I am talking about?! If so how do you deal with the feelings? Are they just my problem and I have to just get in with it? Or is the other person at fault for making me feel bad? Confused!

Real success...

Well as I said in my last blog I went away for the weekend - something which usually fills me with anxiety and an incredible ability to feel stress about the smallest of things others would not even register as stressful. This time I am pleased to say I was just like one of the others. I did not stress about not sleeping and I slept, didn't worry about what we would eat and just enjoyed my meals. I just got on with enjoying my time! This really is a first (for several years anyway). I am realistic though and realise this will not necessarily be continuous progress. It will surely be an up and down pathway but I am optimistic.

With regard to the OCD I do still need to work on the old locking up though. I am not going downhill but did slightly a while ago and seem to have stuck there. Hmmm what to do?