To the test...

Times are becoming stressful so it's going to be a test for my new skills learnt from my recent CBT for GAD (worrying) treatment.

Two weeks ago I was coming up to my grading for my green Karate belt so I was quite anxious. When I am anxious about something important that anxiety can affect me more generally and I can end up being worried about all sorts of smaller less significant things. I ended up having a freak out about work. That all calmed down though until later in the week when I had another freak out, again about work. Then last sunday it was grading day! Very exciting but nerve wracking of course. I got through the day with fewer nerves than usual and successfully obtained my belt. Whoooo hooooo! Very happy.

The week to follow was to prove stressful again when househunting. Yes one of the most stressful things we do - move house! We spent hours looking for something and were lucky enough to find a house last week. I am thinking I am going to have to fully engage all my new learnt skills if I am to get through it with my sanity in tact! The hardest thing is to let go of the many thoughts which come when I am trying to do something else such as sleep! All the what ifs and buts that come with such a big thing. I suspect my worry time/thinking time list is about to get longer.

Showing the strain of OCD and Anxiety...

On Sunday I hit the back of my wrist on the underside of the shower door as I picked the bath mat off the floor. The following few hours were hell. Not because of the cut which was very small or the force with which I hit it but because I became paranoid that I was almost certainly going to get tetanus. Normally I would not even think of this especially since I was immunised as a child. Or perhaps it would pass through my mind only to be quickly dismissed. I was terrified. It was all I could think about, going over and over the likeliness. I made the mistake of doing the worst thing which is look it up on the net as that way you pick up a lot of innaccurate and frightening information. I ended up calling NHS direct who said I should keep the cut clean and covered and call my doctor in the morning to check my immunisation history. I had to wait until morning. I felt dreadful knowing that I had to wait so long until I could be sure I would be safe.

I understand why this has happend. Basically I am stressed. It has happened before where gradually the stress has crept up on me unnoticed until one day something relatively small happens and wham! Horror strikes and I feel as though I have a clamp around my heart and I am having the life squeezed out of me slowly. Having totally misjudged the situation and being illogical. I put it down to a combination of general life stresses which we all suffer, of course and OCD & Anxiety. Obviously suffering with OCD and anxiety makes you more susceptible to stress. The day in day out strain of having to repeat everything and knowing I will feel I have to do this each day along with the general feelings of anxiety really take its toll and when "real" life gets stressful too it can be a lot to deal with.

I think I need to really keep an eye on my stress levels and make sure I am getting enough relaxation time each day even if only for a short while. I am feeling a bit better now and am really trying to make sure I relax. I am due for my daily "session" now and a bit of meditation is called for I think.

I did call the doctor by the way, who said I am covered as I am immunised.

OCD v Self-esteem

Whoa! This week has been tough and it's only Wednesday lunch time. Work has been crazy busy and when that happens I can react in one of two ways. Sometimes I love it and become very active and enthusiastic and enjoy the challenge. Other times I am plagued by self doubt and the OCD seems to gain strength which of course increases the self doubt. Unfortunately on Monday morning it was the latter way. I feel quite cheated because I believe that by nature I am a very confident individual and that my lack of self-esteem is a direct result of OCD. I am now tired and bit miserable. I am trying to pick myself up with positivity and I will get there but it's a struggle. I have felt as though I am sinking and not able to manage rather than seeing it as a challenge and getting stuck in and putting some energy in.

I wonder why I sometimes thrive on it and others want to disappear. Maybe it is simply my attitude and self-esteem at the time the situation arises. As I have mentioned previously I have been aiming to actively increase my self-esteem on a daily basis by having a "session", as I refer to it, when I consider my good points to give myself a boost. Lately I have not been doing this as life has kind of got in the way. Perhaps though if I were to have a "session" daily then life would not have the chance to get in the way and run away with me as I would remain more in control...

Well that never happened...

The difficult conversation never even happened because the other person, who's place it is to instigate the conversation, never approached me and I'm now thinking it won't happen. I am not sure how we can go forward and progress without doing so though. The worry though has faded now and I feel prepared for what I want to say if the situation arises.

On to far more interesting things now. Bought myself a little present. I am lucky enough to have, despite the economic problems, received a bonus at work so have purchased a fabulous ink blue clutch bag from Mulberry. I have many handbags but had not until recently bought a Mulberry so am v excited! Is soooo nice. Yes it seems very superficial and silly compared to any of the above but these little things do give genuine pleasure - and I do work hard for it. The frivolous things in life do make things that bit sweeter when you need it. Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

The Storm...

My last blog was the calm before the storm. I should have seen it coming. I have had the most awful week. I am having problems at work because someone is being unfair to me and I am a painfully sensitive person. I shall not elaborate but suffice to say it's been a tough one. My stress levels have been crazy to the point where I started to have stomache pains and headaches and as for the OCD - well I'm sure you can imagine. Anyway, I have taken steps towards sorting it out and I think things are now going in the right direction although it will probably be a long tough road. It's a matter which has been going on for a while, slowly making me more and more fearful so it's not helped my personal issues (which they are not aware of) at all.

Anyway, a long weekend is here. I'm off today to travel to visit family and of course it's a bank holiday weekend. Fabulous!