As predicted...

Well my husband is back at work now after his two weeks off meaning that out of the last five weeks I have only had to lock up the house for one week. This means that my security anxiety and consequent checking has not been challenged for all this time. Even though I was very much improved before, I have reverted back to having the compulsions. Although, they are not as strong as they were originally so it is only a small decline. I think I will climb back to the top again and this time it's only a hill rather than a mountain - but it's still very though. Here goes exposure again. Eeeeek!

A little goes a long way...

Feeling I had not done well locking up for a long time I was determined today to just calmly lock up and go. I did so well I ended up being ready to leave the house a little before I needed to. If only it could be like that everyday. I realise of course that it cannot. But now I know that that is ok as any progress is good. A little progress improves my confidence and then helps me improve a little more and then so on - hopefully. I used to think it had to be full on total OCD exposure which I think should be the aim as you should always aim high but at the same time be realistic enough not be disheartened if you cannot achieve it. As long as there is some progress then it's good stuff. Sometimes of course there will be tougher times but that is all part of the struggle.

Anyway it is the weekend now so I am planning to have some relaxation time - that is after Karate tomorrow morning!!

What joy is the sun...

I decided to book a day off work tomorrow. I strangely feel I have to justify the luxury. Well here goes: I have plenty of holiday as I didn't take it all last year, it's not too busy at the moment, the sun is shining at last and quite frankly I want to. I do enjoy having the odd day off now and then. As long as I don't stress too much about my in box at work!

Whatever to do? Well sunbathe but first there's a little shopping I want to do and I might finish off with watching Wimbledon in the afternoon. I'm trying to do a little writing about some "experiences" of OCD. Not sure how interesting that will be to anyone who does not have OCD though!

I am really making at effort on the total exposure. I have rarely managed to refrain from checking at all but have massively cut down the checks so I will just keep aiming for no checks and see how I go.

Relapse...

The OCD checking has really got the better of me. I'm not sure if I have become more anxious or more lazy in terms of controlling the thing. It's probably a combination. I realise it's somthing which I must keep a constant eye on. It is so easy to let the old habit of checking slip back into routine. One little check here and there becomes a full on ritual and from there it just continues to grow. I have been reminded of one tip I got from a self help book "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" which is that carrying out just one quick check just to be on the safe side is a seductive and hazardous route to keep the OCD going. Very true. To be really effective in using CBT and exposure I guess the rule needs to be absolutely no checking. I think the reality is that that is extremely hard and brave. I can but try...

I'm back...

Not written all week due to catching the dreaded stomach bug which has been going around. Not pleasant! Off sick on Tuesday I was stressing about all the work mounting up but managed to reason that we are all allowed to be ill some time and work would just have to wait. Normally if I'm off sick I spend intense hours worrying about what's happening only to go back and find that while of course I was missed (!), things are fine. I think though that non sufferers of anxiety worry like this too so don't attribute it to GAD.

I feel with regards to locking up, that I have come to a sticking point. I have improved greatly getting my time down from half hour to between 12-15 mins but I don't seem to be able to improve further. I am still checking as matter of routine but have managed to decrease the amount of checks per item and there are a few things I no longer feel the need to check at all. The CBT book I am reading tells me to try not to check at all (apart from the obvious like shutting windows and locking doors etc.) which I have not done yet because I feel this level of exposure is too much for me. I do believe though that the golden rule of CBT is that no amount of exposure is too much. So from today I will try this out. I'm off to the hairdressers at lunchtime so we'll see how I get on without checking anything but the obvious. I'm quite excited actually as I have recently gone back to blond after five years as a brunette and today I'm having more blond highlights. It's true that being blond is more fun!