To the test...

Times are becoming stressful so it's going to be a test for my new skills learnt from my recent CBT for GAD (worrying) treatment.

Two weeks ago I was coming up to my grading for my green Karate belt so I was quite anxious. When I am anxious about something important that anxiety can affect me more generally and I can end up being worried about all sorts of smaller less significant things. I ended up having a freak out about work. That all calmed down though until later in the week when I had another freak out, again about work. Then last sunday it was grading day! Very exciting but nerve wracking of course. I got through the day with fewer nerves than usual and successfully obtained my belt. Whoooo hooooo! Very happy.

The week to follow was to prove stressful again when househunting. Yes one of the most stressful things we do - move house! We spent hours looking for something and were lucky enough to find a house last week. I am thinking I am going to have to fully engage all my new learnt skills if I am to get through it with my sanity in tact! The hardest thing is to let go of the many thoughts which come when I am trying to do something else such as sleep! All the what ifs and buts that come with such a big thing. I suspect my worry time/thinking time list is about to get longer.

Monkey Mind

I completed the CBT course for GAD and am doing quite well. Each time I begin to worry excessively I leave the worry to Worry Time. I am more able to problem solve and challenge my worrisome thoughts. Accepting uncertainty is slightly easier than it used to be but still a frightening thing - the not knowing! All in all it is going well.

However, since stopping all the constant worrying another problem which I had previously been aware of has been further highlited to me. I have terrible concentration and mental discipline! My mind is more peaceful (joy!) but I have found that, after of years of giving in to compulsions and thinking what my mind tells me I must, I have almost no concentration. Before I had the constant worries going over and over in mind like a tape playing over and over but when my mind is free of that such as at the moment I still have jumping thoughts and no discipline. My mind does still gravitate to worries, fears and often negativity. I manage to postpone the worrying but my mind is still jumping around with doubts etc.. How do I tame my "Monkey Mind" as it is called? The constant chattering. How do I learn to concentrate after years of not doing? Any tips please? I am using mindful awareness at the moment. I have recently been trying to think in practical terms and not to allow my mind to wonder too much i.e. focus on what I am doing right now. When this works I feel good. It enables me to concentrate on what I am doing while preventing the worrisome thoughts, fears and negative thinking etc..

Almost there

Well I am nearing the end of my CBT course of treatment for my GAD (worrying). I have taken the postpone worrying and "worry time" further. I have learned to challenge the problems at worry time rather than just going over them which will hopefully in the long term help me to automatically challenge my anxious thoughts immediately before I can begin stressing over them. Secondly I have tried to "Let go" of worries where you remain passive and observe rather than engage with them. The latter is not so easy! I find I can manage this with minor issues or things I have no control over but for anything more intense or troublesome I need to know I can come back to it later or it will nag away at me all day. Maybe oneday...

Now I am tackling the acceptance of uncertainty which is the main catalyst in worrying. This is the thing! The main aspect of my problem which I really need to come to terms with. But it is the just not knowing...

Worry time...

Some of you will be familiar with "Worry Time" which is when you save worries for a certain time of the day each day when you can worry about all the things which usually endlessly and ineffectively occupy your poor, tired and harassed mind for a large portion of the day. You do this for just 10 or 20 minutes (max) each day. It has proved very useful. I had heard if it before but always dismissed it as something which was not possible for me. Because of the intensity of my anxiety I always thought it was useless to even attempt it. However, I learned through one of the modules that I am able to put aside worries even when in intense fear. I had infact done this previously in troubled times. I just needed this highlighted and then to work on it. I now save worries up and it seems effective so far. It not only has the advantage of not worrying the whole time but your worries fade if you don't give them fuel. Worrying has a snowball effect. It grows and becomes stronger the more you think. The more you think the more you add to it so the more fearful you get and the more anxious worrying you do. If you postpone it it is likely it will fade away because you become occupied with other things. By Worry Time I am often not really bothered any more and sometimes don't even use the worry time!

CBT Sessions going well...

So far my appointments have consisted of going through various modules covering an overview of worrying, why we worry, challenging beliefs about worry being uncontrollable, dangerous (although this one is not my belief), and also interestingly challenging positive beliefs about worry. I do various "experiments" each week to challenge my way of anxious worrying. It is surprisingly effective, although of course there is a long way to go. It seems quite easy at the moment because I am having a relatively easy period where anxiety is concerned and the real test will be when times are harder but this information gives me some confidence that I might be able to gain some control over it all. When my anxiety is bad it is pretty intense so my aim is to master the skills while it's quiet!

Slow progress

Well it's slow work climbing back up the hill again. My checking has improved slightly when leaving the house. I have managed to shave off about three minutes but there is still a long way to go. In am using CBT and my main point of focus is on walking away from things while gaining the strength to do so from the knowledge that ignoring that very thing will mean the compulsion is weaker next time.
I try to think of my goal and not just how scared and unsure I feel right now.

I am all for these bank holidays we're having in the UK right now but they really do not help with the locking up the house before work! Still, cannot really complain though :o).

By the way last night I used the tap in the bathroom and did not at all feel a compulsion to check it. That was a total one off. How is that?! Maybe I was in a brave and daring mood? Haha. Strange.

Back to the books...

Well it really is hard work. I was doing so well with my OCD until I had leave of responsibility and then it's all gone backwards as soon as I have returned to my responsibilities, namely locking up the house. I have struggled to lock the house up each day since I've been back from holiday with not much progress and have now dragged out the CBT book again. It's amazing how easily it returns when I'm not exercising my resistence. Like I said in my previous blog it's not back to square one but it's in that direction. This morning I think I made a little progress, especially with the window and taps. I am trying to remember that that overwhelming fear and compulsion to check is precisely the thing that will help me to beat it - by going against it. If I can just see each time that that very thing is what will take me to the place I was in before when I proved the doubt wrong by not giving in.

Worry shift

I cannot manage in any way to stop checking my alarm clocks. Yes, I have to have two in case one mysteriously brakes in the night! I have managed relatively well in resisting checking windows and taps (apart from taps in the night - why is it always harder In the night?) and various other things using CBT but the thought of my alarm not going off and being late for work seems to be at the top of the fear list when it comes to checking - at the moment anyway. I seem to experience more checking at work these days than security checking at home too. Perhaps my fears have shifted and work fears are more prominent. Of course if I can learn what about work I really fear then maybe it will help me to gain more control of checking or even decrease my "need" to check by dealing with it directly. I think though that I am just worried about responsibility and security but what can be done about that? Until I start seeing a therapist I think I'll just have to struggle along with the clocks. I feel I have made some small progress with checking at work though. On average I do approximately one to two fewer checks. It's not much but it's a start. The little voice is always there..."but what if?"

Total exposure - again...

Well I have tried this before and really did quite well but like many things it slips back if I don't keep control of it. At first I am strict and manage to get on top of it and in control and happy about it. Then because I am relaxed about it I seem to occasionally let my grip go and give in to the temptation but still feel happy with my progres overall. Then I slowly let it slide more and more frequently until it's gained control once more. Why do I do this? Surly I cannot forget the horror of feeling helpless and powerless when it takes hold of me? The feeling that I am at the bottom of a long, deep, dark hole with no way to climb out. The trouble also is that by then my confidence and self-esteem have gone too. Not only do I feel like I have to get myself out of this hole but have no confidence at all that I can do it. Apart from the fact that I have of course done it before. This fact really is the light at the end of the tunnel which keeps me going. Where would I be without my CBT self-help book too?! It has been a great help to me and is purely the reason why I have managed as (relatively) well as I have. I have still not been given an appointment to see a psychologist. The waiting list is one year which is up in November so I guess it should be any time soon. I think I will have to adopt for my progress with OCD the same attitude I have towards practising sports which is that when you progress to the point where you are doing well you must not assume that that is it I am good now so I can relax the effort and stop because of course that is foolish. To stay at a level you need to practise all the time again and again. We'll see how I go this time.

By the way on the dieting I wrote about a while ago, that has predictably fallen flat on its face. Not because I lack discipline (honest!) but because I am just so bloomin' hungry! I don't know what on earth to do on that one. I go from being comfortable being a bit bigger and actually feel quite empowered that I can accept my womanly shape to hating the weight and feeling inadequate and a failure that I cannot manage to be thinner. I know the logical thing is to accept myself the way mother nature made me but it's hard.

Combining CBT & Meditation is the answer?!

On Sunday evening I went to an Inner Space talk on "being" which basically means being happy in yourself with what you have rather than planning to be happy when you obtain something or reach a goal. It was useful and one thing he suggested is meditation which I do anyway - although probably not enough if I'm honest - he suggested this should be done in the morning whereas I usually do it in the evening. I have been reading my CBT book yesterday and Wednesday night as I needed some support and encouragement on that. Well the last couple of days I have meditated and not really got as much out of it as I have in the evening but today I felt so relaxed that I managed to lock up in - wait for it- seven minutes!!! It used to take me 40. Perhaps CBT should be accompanied with a few mins daily meditation. Let's see if it continues to work so well. I hope it was not a fluke. I did make an effort to ingnore my compulsions but it seemed easier than before.

Relapse...

The OCD checking has really got the better of me. I'm not sure if I have become more anxious or more lazy in terms of controlling the thing. It's probably a combination. I realise it's somthing which I must keep a constant eye on. It is so easy to let the old habit of checking slip back into routine. One little check here and there becomes a full on ritual and from there it just continues to grow. I have been reminded of one tip I got from a self help book "Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" which is that carrying out just one quick check just to be on the safe side is a seductive and hazardous route to keep the OCD going. Very true. To be really effective in using CBT and exposure I guess the rule needs to be absolutely no checking. I think the reality is that that is extremely hard and brave. I can but try...

Help! Is my CBT progress a problem?

I am confused now. It seems I am making progress with cognitive behaviour therapy but it is now causing me concern. Last night I went out for dinner and was quite relaxed before leaving the house. I did not feel such compulsion to check and just had a quick look around and did the obvious like shut the window, switch the heating off and lock the door. On my return I noticed that I did not unplug the TV or switch on the answer machine. The answer machine is not really important but what about the TV? Does conquering my OCD mean that I will be more likely to cause a disaster? Or is this just the OCD talking? I know people without OCD don't feel the need to check but if they return home and realise they left something on does this matter to them? Probably not. It just makes me think oh heck I should check. My rational mind though tells me that this is typical OCD thinking and that it's not a big deal. Do you know what I mean? Am I right? I hope I can continue to make progress and this won't set me back...