Slap in the face...

Us people with OCD can always find a reason not to do something. Things are too scary, too risky, too dangerous. There is always a reason to say no. I was invited to Turkey last week and at first thought it best not to go. Apart from the many “risks” involved with holidays I considered reasons not to go such as I am moving house soon therefore, I need to save money, I need to save my annual leave from work and I might be needed by the solicitor for example while I am away. I then decided I could really do with a holiday because of all the stress of moving and all the usual anxieties I go through and so I began to reconsider. I thought I was probably being typically over cautions because the facts are I could afford it, I will have two weeks annual leave left which is plenty for moving house and since I would only be away for one week if the solicitor or whoever else needed me they could wait that short time. I decided to go and felt good about the decision. I thought any “normal” person would decide to go and felt rather bold and decisive for once.

Then came the trouble. After making my “good” decision when I arrived the weather was terrible so I could not enjoy the usual beach and sea stuff that we generally go for then two days after arriving there was total disaster when I ended up in hospital because I caught an infection in my digestive system. I was on a drip and had to have antibiotics by intravenous injection. I have been given tablets I need to take and am on a special diet. I am feeling rather sorry for myself. I basically got no holiday and am thinking how could I have got it so wrong. I know I am not the only person who has gone on holiday and ended up in hospital but that does not make me feel much better. It really feels like a slap in the face when I felt I had done so well to beat my anxieties and over cautious behaviour and make a normal good decision.

I have become more fearful of germs and bacteria now too. I don't have that type of OCD but have tendencies towards it from time to time and this does not help. Hopefully that will pass. I hate feeling sorry for myself and it is not endearing...but I do. Boohoo. I will get over it though as you do.

Space

I have recently been fortunate enough to experience life without anxiety, fear and worry. This is with the help of the books I have been reading and which I now pretty much live by. This rare feeling of stillness and peace in my mind is really quite blissful. It enables me to just be, experience now, get on with my life and enjoy all that life is. There is however, one other thing the peace creates - space. Actually, it's a void. At times I go from being a constant worrier to someone well, pretty much normal really. This is fantastic of course and something I want to maintain but what about the space? I have feared and worried my way through life and I feel as a consequence have not achieved what I could have. This mental freedom allows me to see this. The only thing I have done is take up karate in the last few months. The space in my life and the time I now have is an opportunity to live and experience which, progress permitting, I fully intend to do but I cannot help but feel a great sadness at the lost time and opportunities I have missed. Without the fear and worrying to make me afraid to do things and occupy my time what would I have been like and what would I have done with my life? I am now left thinking what can I do to make a start on making up for it? Can I? I feel as though I need to get to know myself properly aside from the problem so I can successfully achieve what I want out of life.

Help and holidays

Since the discovery of the great book ‘Anxiety Free’ by Dr Robert L. Leahy at New Year I have been up and down with my anxiety. One minute feeling as though I can gain / am gaining control of it and feeling as though things are promising then the next feeling as though the strength of the anxiety is still overwhelming. I realise though that progress will, of course, be slow. I have not seen my counsellor as planned because since reading the book I felt as though I could try to deal with it alone. I have though, continued to struggle and although the book is very good it is not enough. It was rather optimistic and naive to think I could take it on alone. Anyway, I have been on a waiting list for a psychologist since November 2009 and they have recently contacted me and am told I will start a programme within the next two months. I think it will be so much easier with someone guiding me through what I need to do. I have also bought a book called ‘The Worry Cure’ also by Dr Robert L. Leahy which is excellent and even more relevant since it is even more specific to my most challenging needs. Worry, worry, worry! I do feel optimistic because of everything I am learning from the books. Perhaps progress will quicken up once I start the programme.

Anyway, guess what?! I am going on holiday tomorrow for five nights which will be a challenge for me as I can be more afraid when I am not familiar with my surroundings. Then there is all the planning and preparation which can get me into a bit of a tizz what with making sure I have everything but hey - nearly there now. Please wish me luck for that. I am trying not to think about my workload at the office when I return. Also, I have another karate grading coming up so it’s challenges all the way!

The fear...

I now wish I had read the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" because I think it might help me with something I have to do tomorrow. Let's just say it's a confrontation situation. I need to have a difficult conversation with a person who scares me. I do not want to do it but have no choice. I am worried that I will not put my point accross well. Wish me luck - please!