Total exposure - again...

Well I have tried this before and really did quite well but like many things it slips back if I don't keep control of it. At first I am strict and manage to get on top of it and in control and happy about it. Then because I am relaxed about it I seem to occasionally let my grip go and give in to the temptation but still feel happy with my progres overall. Then I slowly let it slide more and more frequently until it's gained control once more. Why do I do this? Surly I cannot forget the horror of feeling helpless and powerless when it takes hold of me? The feeling that I am at the bottom of a long, deep, dark hole with no way to climb out. The trouble also is that by then my confidence and self-esteem have gone too. Not only do I feel like I have to get myself out of this hole but have no confidence at all that I can do it. Apart from the fact that I have of course done it before. This fact really is the light at the end of the tunnel which keeps me going. Where would I be without my CBT self-help book too?! It has been a great help to me and is purely the reason why I have managed as (relatively) well as I have. I have still not been given an appointment to see a psychologist. The waiting list is one year which is up in November so I guess it should be any time soon. I think I will have to adopt for my progress with OCD the same attitude I have towards practising sports which is that when you progress to the point where you are doing well you must not assume that that is it I am good now so I can relax the effort and stop because of course that is foolish. To stay at a level you need to practise all the time again and again. We'll see how I go this time.

By the way on the dieting I wrote about a while ago, that has predictably fallen flat on its face. Not because I lack discipline (honest!) but because I am just so bloomin' hungry! I don't know what on earth to do on that one. I go from being comfortable being a bit bigger and actually feel quite empowered that I can accept my womanly shape to hating the weight and feeling inadequate and a failure that I cannot manage to be thinner. I know the logical thing is to accept myself the way mother nature made me but it's hard.

Relaxing in the sun contemplating my weekend away and not getting fatter!

Hurray, it's the weekend and the sun is shining bright and hot. Must get in the garden and enjoy it. There is nothing quite as relaxing as being outdoors in the good weather especially if you have a nice garden with lots of flowers and twittering birds and a good book. Bliss. I'll try not to get too wound up about doing all the housework and the chores as I usually do. I tend to feel bad if I've not done it and on top of that I am away next weekend so cannot really skip anything this weekend.

Going away for the weekend always effects my OCD. I tend to get anxious that I am packing the right clothes and that they are appropriate and look nice and that I have my schedule correct etc. I'm only going to see my parents not going to Australia! But I will probably still get wound up. Also, I never tend to sleep well when I'm away from home (which I guess is the case for a lot of people) and my OCD really has fun under those circumstances.

Back to the weight issue. I will try not to bore with this as I know I tend to go off on one about it. I went to the doctor yesterday and had a check up. He told me my weight and BMI are perfect. This is great not only because it means I am healthy but because if you'd have asked me beforehand I would have told you I think I'm just ok at the moment so at last I have a realistic view of my weight rather than being convinced I'm too big. I do have to admit though that that thought was closely followed by thinking I must be cautious that I don't put any more on though as then I'd be overweight. But I am not feeling worried - just being aware.

Old times, getting fat and Mulberry handbags

Tough day today. My anxiety was quite high. Such difficulty concentrating on things which always increases anxiety. Then the OCD kicks in. Was going over and over things in my head and repeatedly checking over and over. It made me realise how far I have come since confronting my problems last October. It was like it used to be before and I don't like it one bit. I think it's just a brief relapse though, brought on by tiredness and not eating properly for a couple of days.

I bumped into an aquaintance today who told me I had put weight on! Cannot believe it. I have but you don't say that do you?! It was surprising not least because she was asking for a favour she knows I am reluctant to do! Nowt as strange as folk! Someone said that to me when I was recovering from anorexia and I went to pieces.

Lastly I am suffering something else too - Mulberry handbag envy! My friend has just bought the next Alexa! I would go for a different style myself but it is oh so nice! Wonder how long it will take to save £800!