Progressively in control

I had my last appointment for my CBT for GAD on Wednesday. It was my follow up appointment after my treatment finished three months ago. During the three months I have managed my anxiety quite well. I have felt generally less anxious in that time because I have the knowledge to deal with it if I need it. Oh how we like reassurance! I have also been quite confident in using this knowledge successfully - most of the time. My practitioner was very pleased with my quick progress due to my grasp of the CBT. She commented on how relaxed I seemed compared to previously. I felt it too. I felt as though I was more in charge of my life and as though I have achieved what I set out to. Rather than eagerly waiting for her words of wisdom so I could sort my mind out. Let's hope I can make sure it continues...

Anxiety rising...

Over the last couple of weeks my general anxiety has risen, I guess because of the house move. Luckily I don't have a feeling of anxiety at all times like I did a few years ago. It is only when I come up against an issue. Although that is becoming more frequent because there is more going on and things seem more stressful than they would usually. While I am very enthusiastic and very much looking forward to the move it gives me an unsettled feeling. It is as though a big important event is left undone and I need it completed before I can rest again. I keep having the feeling that I cannot cope with things I would usually not worry about quite as much. I had a lack of confidence all last week and I am wondering if that is related to the anxiety caused by the move. I tend to dwell on the negative too and last week I acknowledged my low self-esteem at the moment and spent too much time thinking about it which of course made me feel worse. The key of course is to spot when my thinking is a result of my anxiety rather than a reasonable reaction to a real situation and then try to leave it to worry time, challenge the thought or/and problem solve as I have been recently taught. Using the worry time is very useful indeed. Sometimes I am better at enforcing it than others but I usually manage to do it. Lately I think I could have used it more. Yesterday I was in quite an anxious state about various things and my list for worry time was long! It does help to clear my head and come back to things later. I feel more in control that way becuase I have managed to leave it to later and as a result my head is clearer and calmer so I can think more logically and plan what to do much more effectively.

My OCD is becoming more challenging too. It took me 20 mins to lock up before work on Wednesday which I was really gutted about. But I had it back down to 13 mins on Friday. It is an anxiety rollercoaster at the moment!

Monkey Mind

I completed the CBT course for GAD and am doing quite well. Each time I begin to worry excessively I leave the worry to Worry Time. I am more able to problem solve and challenge my worrisome thoughts. Accepting uncertainty is slightly easier than it used to be but still a frightening thing - the not knowing! All in all it is going well.

However, since stopping all the constant worrying another problem which I had previously been aware of has been further highlited to me. I have terrible concentration and mental discipline! My mind is more peaceful (joy!) but I have found that, after of years of giving in to compulsions and thinking what my mind tells me I must, I have almost no concentration. Before I had the constant worries going over and over in mind like a tape playing over and over but when my mind is free of that such as at the moment I still have jumping thoughts and no discipline. My mind does still gravitate to worries, fears and often negativity. I manage to postpone the worrying but my mind is still jumping around with doubts etc.. How do I tame my "Monkey Mind" as it is called? The constant chattering. How do I learn to concentrate after years of not doing? Any tips please? I am using mindful awareness at the moment. I have recently been trying to think in practical terms and not to allow my mind to wonder too much i.e. focus on what I am doing right now. When this works I feel good. It enables me to concentrate on what I am doing while preventing the worrisome thoughts, fears and negative thinking etc..

Mindful amongst the madness

Well I have been practicing mindfulness for a while now and I am pleased to say it is very helpful. Things are hectic at the moment. There's allsorts going on at work and my personal life is busier than usual so I find my head can be quite cluttered. Add to this a touch of OCD and a bit (or lot) of anxiety and you can have mayhem. On Wednesday I was thinking about all that is going on at work, trying to figure a few things out. Then my mind turned to personal stuff, then to my weekend away "up north" to see my family and it all got a bit much until I remembered I could observe what was happening instead of fretting about it. Get some emotional distance which I did and the stress slowly seeped away leaving me feeling quite calm and in control - well more so anyway! Sometimes I just replace thoughts with what is happening here and now to rest from it all and refresh.

Of course my new found understanding of the origins of my anxiety is a great help for my symptoms. When they appear I am better able to rationalise. My concentration levels have increased since I am not feeling that constant low level anxiety where I am always on alert so I can look for danger. I notice though, that this does reappear and I need to register it then let it go. Progress is very good but it is still, even though it's easier, a constant battle.

Ready for the test?

I have used CBT to help with my checking compulsions for a long time now and found it quite effective as long as I really make an effort or it slips back again. Of course there is always a compulsion to check which I resist and this is accompanied with a sense that I am taking a risk in resisting - such as OCD is. I find now though, since I have gained a better understanding of the reasons behind my needing to check the sense has decreased somewhat making the compulsion weaker - or maybe my resistance is stronger because I understand? I am not sure which. I think I can deal with the checking most of the time. The big test will be for my generalised anxiety disorder when there is an incident which makes me unduly anxious. Will I be able to rationalise it now knowing why I have such fear?

Inspiration and revelation

Inspiration can come from the most unexpected source at the most unexpected moment.

Over Christmas I watched a film I had not seen for years. I saw it as a child when it first came out in 1984. It had an inspiring message and I loved it. This time I watched it with the same enthusiasm I had the first time around but found it inspiring for a very different reason. One of the main characters, Johnny Lawrence, has highlighted to me the dramatic impact anxiety has had on my whole life. I was struck by his carefree attitude, his energy, enthusiasm, optimism, friendships, achievement, and a love of life. Attributes which I feel I would benefit from if it were not for the burden of feeling that even the most insignificant of situations appear to carry a multitude of dangers. The character is actually the bad guy (and not a typical source of inspiration!) but nevertheless the filmmakers have given him these qualities and regardless of the fact that he is entirely fictional it has made me think. It does not have to be real because the attributes are realistic. I could be doing so much more with my life if I were free from the restraints of undue anxiety. It was a suffocating feeling to realise this. However, I did not feel defeated and an immense feeling of strength and motivation was added to my desperation to resolve my problem and start living fully. I was struck by the realization that what is more frightening than living with anxiety is not living a full life because of it. But how can I achieve that?

Once again I looked for any literature I could find that could help me and was amazed when I immediately found a fantastically helpful book called Anxiety Free by Robert. L. Leahy PhD. This book is a revelation to me. It explains about anxiety, evolution and our ancestors and how it is part of our biological heritage. Of course it is not a cure but it really makes sense to me and has helped me to understand why I feel the way I do. Understanding why is the key to overcoming it. I can recommend the book to anyone suffering with an anxiety disorder.

Life used to be something to be endured, but now I think perhaps it can be enjoyed. Knowledge is power as they say.

Will I ever find the answer?

Is it true that you can help to overcome anxiety and OCD by finding out the cause? I am still waiting to see a psychologist after going to my doctor in November last year. It can take a year! Last week I became frustrated at my anxiety when considering the logistics of various things I have to do. I became obsessed with the details and had to go over and over them. I recognised this as OCD and realised that people without these problems would not even consider these things an issue but they make me anxious. I'm not usually one for thinking "why me" but hey, I'm only human. Why do I have these anxieties and if I can ever discover why then can I work towards putting a stop to them? It remains to be seen for me but it would be useful if anyone else has a knowledge of this being the case.