OCD v Self-esteem

Whoa! This week has been tough and it's only Wednesday lunch time. Work has been crazy busy and when that happens I can react in one of two ways. Sometimes I love it and become very active and enthusiastic and enjoy the challenge. Other times I am plagued by self doubt and the OCD seems to gain strength which of course increases the self doubt. Unfortunately on Monday morning it was the latter way. I feel quite cheated because I believe that by nature I am a very confident individual and that my lack of self-esteem is a direct result of OCD. I am now tired and bit miserable. I am trying to pick myself up with positivity and I will get there but it's a struggle. I have felt as though I am sinking and not able to manage rather than seeing it as a challenge and getting stuck in and putting some energy in.

I wonder why I sometimes thrive on it and others want to disappear. Maybe it is simply my attitude and self-esteem at the time the situation arises. As I have mentioned previously I have been aiming to actively increase my self-esteem on a daily basis by having a "session", as I refer to it, when I consider my good points to give myself a boost. Lately I have not been doing this as life has kind of got in the way. Perhaps though if I were to have a "session" daily then life would not have the chance to get in the way and run away with me as I would remain more in control...

Beating the effects of OCD. Lesson learned...

I went to my Karate lesson at lunchtime today which I thoroughly enjoyed as always. Afterwards I considered my performance. I am quite critical and can be hard on myself if I feel I could have performed better. This attitude is fine to a point because it all goes towards the desire to improve. But I tend to get frustrated and angry at myself. Never at the time but after the event when I start thinking about it. I start by recognising what I did wrong and how I could have done better. But then the criticism grows into something out of control. It quickly spirals from recognising errors to telling myself I am useless and will never be capable. Many years of feeling useless because of constantly not being able to even lock the door or turn off a tap or rather know whether I have done it or not because of my OCD take the blame for this. Any kind of failure or inadequacy, or at least what I believe to be so, can bring out all these feelings of negativity and lack of self-confidence I am harboring. Today was different. Today I changed my attitude towards myself. I looked at the situation from an objective point of view, considered how I could improve and decided that next week that is what I will do. I then got on with my day. I have just made it sound so easy. It is not. Self-hatred is a tough thing to control.

I do find it helps to each day reaffirm to myself my good points and what I enjoy about myself. It helps with my confidence and self-esteem and makes me stronger to remember I am a person with a personality and not just a functioning Obsessive Compulsive. I have a life to live and must be me and get on with it joyfully. Keeping these thoughts fresh means not only do I feel better about myself each day but I can more easily call on them in my hour of need. I know it might sound self-indulgent to say these things to myself but it’s a necessary boost. It works for me and today it saved the day.

A little goes a long way...

Feeling I had not done well locking up for a long time I was determined today to just calmly lock up and go. I did so well I ended up being ready to leave the house a little before I needed to. If only it could be like that everyday. I realise of course that it cannot. But now I know that that is ok as any progress is good. A little progress improves my confidence and then helps me improve a little more and then so on - hopefully. I used to think it had to be full on total OCD exposure which I think should be the aim as you should always aim high but at the same time be realistic enough not be disheartened if you cannot achieve it. As long as there is some progress then it's good stuff. Sometimes of course there will be tougher times but that is all part of the struggle.

Anyway it is the weekend now so I am planning to have some relaxation time - that is after Karate tomorrow morning!!

Hunger, tiredness & OCD do not mix!

Yesterday was a bad day. I did not really eat well towards the end of last week and as always it caught up with me. I was ok on Saturday although feeling a little strange. I then woke early at about 4.30am on Sunday due to hunger and could not get back to sleep. The strange thing was I was in a terrible mood. How can you wake up in such a bad mood? I eventually managed to get another hour / hour and half before getting up and was then tired, hungry and grumpy the whole day. I realise tiredness and hunger can make anyone irritable but my moods are quite extreme. I don't tend to take these moods out on anyone though, thankfully, only myself. I seem to turn the anger inwards. I have tried to consider why and since I am still without a therapist due to the massive waiting list I am figuring this out alone. I guess it's the frustration and anger at my OCD or at myself for having OCD. The constant feeling of not being able to do this or that or being able to do it but not without huge irrational stress and anxiety. Constantly doubting myself or my ability when really I am more than capable. This destroys my confidence and self-esteem. How to tackle this? Of course number 1 has to be eat well. When I fall into this mood I need to realise why I am feeling that way. Ask myself if I am hungry or tired? I leaned a simple but effective tip at a talk I went to which was to say stop! Whenever my mind is confused just stop and clear my mind. A great way of dealing with any problem which causes mind confusion is to clear the mind and come back to the issue. If I can realise it is just my frustration coming out because lack of food and sleep has made me vulnerable maybe I can stop the feeling or at least ease it. I can but try...

Positively struggling on...

I seem to go through stages with my OCD. Bad patches and then good as of course we all do. It seems though when I have a good patch, that it will last forever and that I will continue to be improved. This of course is not the case but I believe can remain much improved with almost constant awareness and hard work. This of course is tough. Since falling the other day I have not had to run to the station and have not missed a train so I am improving somewhat. Some things I feel a need to check less than others according to what I fear most. At the moment I am doing better with most things but the thing I find so hard to leave is the basin tap in the bathroom. So worried it will flood when the thing is clearly not even on.

I have learned to not be so hard on myself for not doing 100% OCD exposure the whole time. As long as I am making some improvement most of the time then that is good enough. Remaining positive and remembering how far I have come is a great help.

OCD Exposure: Fell flat on my face at my first attempt - literally!

On my way to work on Monday morning I was running for my train and tripped. I banged my knee and cut it open. I sat there for a few seconds feeling a bit shocked and sorry for myself and then as I got up and slowly made my way to the train station the feeling quickly changed to annoyance. Why did I trip? Because I was running. Why was I running? Because I was late for the train? Why? Because it took me too long to lock up because I was not strict enough with my OCD. I then promised myself I would not be having to run for the train again and have managed the last two days to leave in good time but still feel I am giving in a bit too much. I reminded myself as I left the house this morning that complete exposure to OCD means not one little check. Not one! I wonder how I will do tomorrow...

Total exposure - again...

Well I have tried this before and really did quite well but like many things it slips back if I don't keep control of it. At first I am strict and manage to get on top of it and in control and happy about it. Then because I am relaxed about it I seem to occasionally let my grip go and give in to the temptation but still feel happy with my progres overall. Then I slowly let it slide more and more frequently until it's gained control once more. Why do I do this? Surly I cannot forget the horror of feeling helpless and powerless when it takes hold of me? The feeling that I am at the bottom of a long, deep, dark hole with no way to climb out. The trouble also is that by then my confidence and self-esteem have gone too. Not only do I feel like I have to get myself out of this hole but have no confidence at all that I can do it. Apart from the fact that I have of course done it before. This fact really is the light at the end of the tunnel which keeps me going. Where would I be without my CBT self-help book too?! It has been a great help to me and is purely the reason why I have managed as (relatively) well as I have. I have still not been given an appointment to see a psychologist. The waiting list is one year which is up in November so I guess it should be any time soon. I think I will have to adopt for my progress with OCD the same attitude I have towards practising sports which is that when you progress to the point where you are doing well you must not assume that that is it I am good now so I can relax the effort and stop because of course that is foolish. To stay at a level you need to practise all the time again and again. We'll see how I go this time.

By the way on the dieting I wrote about a while ago, that has predictably fallen flat on its face. Not because I lack discipline (honest!) but because I am just so bloomin' hungry! I don't know what on earth to do on that one. I go from being comfortable being a bit bigger and actually feel quite empowered that I can accept my womanly shape to hating the weight and feeling inadequate and a failure that I cannot manage to be thinner. I know the logical thing is to accept myself the way mother nature made me but it's hard.