Slow progress

Well it's slow work climbing back up the hill again. My checking has improved slightly when leaving the house. I have managed to shave off about three minutes but there is still a long way to go. In am using CBT and my main point of focus is on walking away from things while gaining the strength to do so from the knowledge that ignoring that very thing will mean the compulsion is weaker next time.
I try to think of my goal and not just how scared and unsure I feel right now.

I am all for these bank holidays we're having in the UK right now but they really do not help with the locking up the house before work! Still, cannot really complain though :o).

By the way last night I used the tap in the bathroom and did not at all feel a compulsion to check it. That was a total one off. How is that?! Maybe I was in a brave and daring mood? Haha. Strange.

Back to the books...

Well it really is hard work. I was doing so well with my OCD until I had leave of responsibility and then it's all gone backwards as soon as I have returned to my responsibilities, namely locking up the house. I have struggled to lock the house up each day since I've been back from holiday with not much progress and have now dragged out the CBT book again. It's amazing how easily it returns when I'm not exercising my resistence. Like I said in my previous blog it's not back to square one but it's in that direction. This morning I think I made a little progress, especially with the window and taps. I am trying to remember that that overwhelming fear and compulsion to check is precisely the thing that will help me to beat it - by going against it. If I can just see each time that that very thing is what will take me to the place I was in before when I proved the doubt wrong by not giving in.

As predicted...

Well my husband is back at work now after his two weeks off meaning that out of the last five weeks I have only had to lock up the house for one week. This means that my security anxiety and consequent checking has not been challenged for all this time. Even though I was very much improved before, I have reverted back to having the compulsions. Although, they are not as strong as they were originally so it is only a small decline. I think I will climb back to the top again and this time it's only a hill rather than a mountain - but it's still very though. Here goes exposure again. Eeeeek!

Rollercoaster weekend

Whoohoo! Good news. I got my red karate belt on Sunday! I'm very pleased. The grading is really stressful and scary but I think that makes it even more rewarding. I am noticing how much confidence it gives me generally. It all gets harder as you go up the belts of course but I am enjoying the challenge. My anxiety really did rise the day before. I was going over and over a thousand times everything I had to do and get ready and thinking have I done this have I done that over and over. I managed to calm down and think about something else for a while and the need for Overthinking passed thankfully as I needed to get some sleep!

It was a pretty stressful weekend all round actually. On Saturday we woke up to discover the kitchen was flooded! My husband managed to stop the leek before the plumber arrived thankfully. However, the water coming from the bathroom, was sitting between the bathroom floor and kitchen ceiling so he had to cut out a section to let it flow out. Not ideal! I realise thought that it could have been a lot worse as it was just a leaking pipe which needed tightening and had probably been slowly dripping away for weeks. It worked out ok though and the damage was minimal apart from the hole in the ceiling which will take weeks to dry before we can re-do it. Interestingly I did not start overly worrying about it which I out down to being preoccupied with my karate grading. Usually I would just worry about whatever is happening but when there is something which is very important to me such as my grading I seem to somehow let other things bypass me. I don't think this is the same how any "normal" person would think because I think the reason is that failing or missing out on the important thing is totally unthinkable and intolerable whether that is reasonable or logical or not.

Very emotional weekend!

Worry shift

I cannot manage in any way to stop checking my alarm clocks. Yes, I have to have two in case one mysteriously brakes in the night! I have managed relatively well in resisting checking windows and taps (apart from taps in the night - why is it always harder In the night?) and various other things using CBT but the thought of my alarm not going off and being late for work seems to be at the top of the fear list when it comes to checking - at the moment anyway. I seem to experience more checking at work these days than security checking at home too. Perhaps my fears have shifted and work fears are more prominent. Of course if I can learn what about work I really fear then maybe it will help me to gain more control of checking or even decrease my "need" to check by dealing with it directly. I think though that I am just worried about responsibility and security but what can be done about that? Until I start seeing a therapist I think I'll just have to struggle along with the clocks. I feel I have made some small progress with checking at work though. On average I do approximately one to two fewer checks. It's not much but it's a start. The little voice is always there..."but what if?"

Back to normal...

Well I am back to work tomorrow. The rest is over. I am beginning to think about my week ahead and to anticipate what I have to do. Of course all the old anxieties are creeping out such as having to set my alarm which I check countless times and being back at work with a full inbox. This week and next I don't need to lock up when I leave for work as hubby has two weeks off work. I can look at this one of two ways 1) that this is good because I don't have to lock up :0) or 2) that this is not so good because it does not give me the opportunity to test myself and progress :0(. I can only imagine what my checking will be like once he is back at work! I will just focus for now on all the other checks I have to do at any time such as the taps and lights etc.

Cooling down in the sun...

OMG. It is quite amazing. I have been so relaxed this week despite being away from home. I did not stress once about anything apart from this morning when I had a minor freak out about all the housework I would have to do when I return home today. Who cares?! It can wait until tomorrow after karate. Also I did get overly concerned about the colour of my skin as I am quite fair skinned and the colour was a rather alarming shade of red but I soon rationalised that it always happens before fading within hours which it has now. It is almost as though I am one of those "normal" people who think that going away is relaxing and is actually the whole point of a holiday rather than an OCD persons who thinks it's the perfect way to torcher yourself for a week about everything and anything that pops into your mind. Wow! I am trying to think of how I have managed to be so anxiety free right now. Could it be down to learning to question my fears and rationalise them? And how long will this feeling of relaxation last? Back to work on Tuesday...