Fighting the rituals

I thought that when I moved house my OCD checking before leaving the house would be worse. In unfamiliar surroundings I I assumed that I would be more anxious to make sure everything was secure. How wrong I was. The first few days were easy! It took about four minutes to check around and go. Now, after two months it takes me almost ten minutes. I now realise how much the checking is habitual and learned. Gradually the habit has grown and taken hold as I have learned what "needs" checking and developed the habit. How to undo this learned habit? Back to the CBT. I say to myself would I do this checking if I were OCD free? Would someone else do this checking? If I am doubting then it is the OCD. I planned to do better this morning but again I set off about four minutes late. Tomorrow I hope to set off on time. I realise I am still so much better than I used to be when it took me 30 minutes to leave the house but I don't ever want it to slip that far. Must try to stay on top.

Adapting: From order to chaos...

So much has happened recently. I have moved house and started the mammoth task of decorating the whole place. This is why I have not blogged lately. It has all been very stressful. Moving house is obviously stressful enough as it is but when you're doing so much work on it it is tough. There is so much disruption which is something I don't deal with well. At first I felt overwhelmed at what we had set ourselves up for. Now we are more settled and I am getting used to to the fact that it will be an ongoing project and not something which will be sorted quickly - the way I usually likr it. I'm feeling a bit more relaxed about it even though there is still so much to do and the place is a bit of a mess. Of course before we bought the place we knew it needed doing up but I underestimated how much. It will be fantastic when it is finished! All in all I think my anxiety has not been too bad. The first two weeks I felt quite depressed as I realised the state of the house and the timescale to complete it. I like to have a firm idea of when things will be done. I just like to know. But I did not know when. I only knew it would be a long time. There it is - the uncertainty of something unsettling. Unlike with many other anxieties there is no threat involved but this is an anxiety about things being in order rather than dangerous. As exposure therapy suggests though you can overcome the anxiety by living with it and eventually it will fade. We become used to the presence of something uncomfortable. The house it a mess but I am ok - mostly anyway. :0)

Progressively in control

I had my last appointment for my CBT for GAD on Wednesday. It was my follow up appointment after my treatment finished three months ago. During the three months I have managed my anxiety quite well. I have felt generally less anxious in that time because I have the knowledge to deal with it if I need it. Oh how we like reassurance! I have also been quite confident in using this knowledge successfully - most of the time. My practitioner was very pleased with my quick progress due to my grasp of the CBT. She commented on how relaxed I seemed compared to previously. I felt it too. I felt as though I was more in charge of my life and as though I have achieved what I set out to. Rather than eagerly waiting for her words of wisdom so I could sort my mind out. Let's hope I can make sure it continues...

Down and up

I have been feeling a bit down and self critical for a long while now. I decided to buy a book on Depression. It is by Robert. L. Leahy who's books on anxiety I have read and they were very helpful indeed. It is called "Beat the Blues Before They Beat You". There was a description of how someone with depression thinks, of their thought processes and it is pretty much how I have been thinking. In a nut shell, constantly feeling that I am not successful enough, things don't go right and generally being self-critical. Since beginning the book I am already feeling a bit better. Just learning about the thought processes of a depressed person helped to make me realise that it is not my life or me that is wrong but simply the way I think. I have started to be more aware of my thinking and am feeling I have made some progress. Long way to go though...Another thing has happened to help me progress with the depression is that I have re-discovered my old self! These problems change you. The anxiety makes you feel scared of everything to the point where all is dangerous and must be avoided. OCD also makes you fearful of what might (but probably will not) happen with a sense of responsibility for it all. Depression makes you low and hopeless. Believing that you cannot do anything and are not enough as a person and with no way out. It is all very wearing and your personality changes to reflect these negative feelings. Or at least this is my experience. I have recently, at the same time as discovering the above book, reminded myself of my old self. The person I was during the short periods when I was free from all of this particularly during my teenage years. I thought I used to be joyful and enthusiastic. Where has that gone? By remembering who I was I tried to reconnect with that person and am feeling like I used to. Not all of the time but a lot of the time. Using the CBT for OCD and GAD (anxiety) and the book on depression gives me the skills to get a grip on these debilitating problems and to get back to being me not the person they have made me become. I must remember who I was before. The fight goes on...

Slap in the face...

Us people with OCD can always find a reason not to do something. Things are too scary, too risky, too dangerous. There is always a reason to say no. I was invited to Turkey last week and at first thought it best not to go. Apart from the many “risks” involved with holidays I considered reasons not to go such as I am moving house soon therefore, I need to save money, I need to save my annual leave from work and I might be needed by the solicitor for example while I am away. I then decided I could really do with a holiday because of all the stress of moving and all the usual anxieties I go through and so I began to reconsider. I thought I was probably being typically over cautions because the facts are I could afford it, I will have two weeks annual leave left which is plenty for moving house and since I would only be away for one week if the solicitor or whoever else needed me they could wait that short time. I decided to go and felt good about the decision. I thought any “normal” person would decide to go and felt rather bold and decisive for once.

Then came the trouble. After making my “good” decision when I arrived the weather was terrible so I could not enjoy the usual beach and sea stuff that we generally go for then two days after arriving there was total disaster when I ended up in hospital because I caught an infection in my digestive system. I was on a drip and had to have antibiotics by intravenous injection. I have been given tablets I need to take and am on a special diet. I am feeling rather sorry for myself. I basically got no holiday and am thinking how could I have got it so wrong. I know I am not the only person who has gone on holiday and ended up in hospital but that does not make me feel much better. It really feels like a slap in the face when I felt I had done so well to beat my anxieties and over cautious behaviour and make a normal good decision.

I have become more fearful of germs and bacteria now too. I don't have that type of OCD but have tendencies towards it from time to time and this does not help. Hopefully that will pass. I hate feeling sorry for myself and it is not endearing...but I do. Boohoo. I will get over it though as you do.

Anxiety rising...

Over the last couple of weeks my general anxiety has risen, I guess because of the house move. Luckily I don't have a feeling of anxiety at all times like I did a few years ago. It is only when I come up against an issue. Although that is becoming more frequent because there is more going on and things seem more stressful than they would usually. While I am very enthusiastic and very much looking forward to the move it gives me an unsettled feeling. It is as though a big important event is left undone and I need it completed before I can rest again. I keep having the feeling that I cannot cope with things I would usually not worry about quite as much. I had a lack of confidence all last week and I am wondering if that is related to the anxiety caused by the move. I tend to dwell on the negative too and last week I acknowledged my low self-esteem at the moment and spent too much time thinking about it which of course made me feel worse. The key of course is to spot when my thinking is a result of my anxiety rather than a reasonable reaction to a real situation and then try to leave it to worry time, challenge the thought or/and problem solve as I have been recently taught. Using the worry time is very useful indeed. Sometimes I am better at enforcing it than others but I usually manage to do it. Lately I think I could have used it more. Yesterday I was in quite an anxious state about various things and my list for worry time was long! It does help to clear my head and come back to things later. I feel more in control that way becuase I have managed to leave it to later and as a result my head is clearer and calmer so I can think more logically and plan what to do much more effectively.

My OCD is becoming more challenging too. It took me 20 mins to lock up before work on Wednesday which I was really gutted about. But I had it back down to 13 mins on Friday. It is an anxiety rollercoaster at the moment!

To the test...

Times are becoming stressful so it's going to be a test for my new skills learnt from my recent CBT for GAD (worrying) treatment.

Two weeks ago I was coming up to my grading for my green Karate belt so I was quite anxious. When I am anxious about something important that anxiety can affect me more generally and I can end up being worried about all sorts of smaller less significant things. I ended up having a freak out about work. That all calmed down though until later in the week when I had another freak out, again about work. Then last sunday it was grading day! Very exciting but nerve wracking of course. I got through the day with fewer nerves than usual and successfully obtained my belt. Whoooo hooooo! Very happy.

The week to follow was to prove stressful again when househunting. Yes one of the most stressful things we do - move house! We spent hours looking for something and were lucky enough to find a house last week. I am thinking I am going to have to fully engage all my new learnt skills if I am to get through it with my sanity in tact! The hardest thing is to let go of the many thoughts which come when I am trying to do something else such as sleep! All the what ifs and buts that come with such a big thing. I suspect my worry time/thinking time list is about to get longer.