Slap in the face...

Us people with OCD can always find a reason not to do something. Things are too scary, too risky, too dangerous. There is always a reason to say no. I was invited to Turkey last week and at first thought it best not to go. Apart from the many “risks” involved with holidays I considered reasons not to go such as I am moving house soon therefore, I need to save money, I need to save my annual leave from work and I might be needed by the solicitor for example while I am away. I then decided I could really do with a holiday because of all the stress of moving and all the usual anxieties I go through and so I began to reconsider. I thought I was probably being typically over cautions because the facts are I could afford it, I will have two weeks annual leave left which is plenty for moving house and since I would only be away for one week if the solicitor or whoever else needed me they could wait that short time. I decided to go and felt good about the decision. I thought any “normal” person would decide to go and felt rather bold and decisive for once.

Then came the trouble. After making my “good” decision when I arrived the weather was terrible so I could not enjoy the usual beach and sea stuff that we generally go for then two days after arriving there was total disaster when I ended up in hospital because I caught an infection in my digestive system. I was on a drip and had to have antibiotics by intravenous injection. I have been given tablets I need to take and am on a special diet. I am feeling rather sorry for myself. I basically got no holiday and am thinking how could I have got it so wrong. I know I am not the only person who has gone on holiday and ended up in hospital but that does not make me feel much better. It really feels like a slap in the face when I felt I had done so well to beat my anxieties and over cautious behaviour and make a normal good decision.

I have become more fearful of germs and bacteria now too. I don't have that type of OCD but have tendencies towards it from time to time and this does not help. Hopefully that will pass. I hate feeling sorry for myself and it is not endearing...but I do. Boohoo. I will get over it though as you do.

Anxiety rising...

Over the last couple of weeks my general anxiety has risen, I guess because of the house move. Luckily I don't have a feeling of anxiety at all times like I did a few years ago. It is only when I come up against an issue. Although that is becoming more frequent because there is more going on and things seem more stressful than they would usually. While I am very enthusiastic and very much looking forward to the move it gives me an unsettled feeling. It is as though a big important event is left undone and I need it completed before I can rest again. I keep having the feeling that I cannot cope with things I would usually not worry about quite as much. I had a lack of confidence all last week and I am wondering if that is related to the anxiety caused by the move. I tend to dwell on the negative too and last week I acknowledged my low self-esteem at the moment and spent too much time thinking about it which of course made me feel worse. The key of course is to spot when my thinking is a result of my anxiety rather than a reasonable reaction to a real situation and then try to leave it to worry time, challenge the thought or/and problem solve as I have been recently taught. Using the worry time is very useful indeed. Sometimes I am better at enforcing it than others but I usually manage to do it. Lately I think I could have used it more. Yesterday I was in quite an anxious state about various things and my list for worry time was long! It does help to clear my head and come back to things later. I feel more in control that way becuase I have managed to leave it to later and as a result my head is clearer and calmer so I can think more logically and plan what to do much more effectively.

My OCD is becoming more challenging too. It took me 20 mins to lock up before work on Wednesday which I was really gutted about. But I had it back down to 13 mins on Friday. It is an anxiety rollercoaster at the moment!

To the test...

Times are becoming stressful so it's going to be a test for my new skills learnt from my recent CBT for GAD (worrying) treatment.

Two weeks ago I was coming up to my grading for my green Karate belt so I was quite anxious. When I am anxious about something important that anxiety can affect me more generally and I can end up being worried about all sorts of smaller less significant things. I ended up having a freak out about work. That all calmed down though until later in the week when I had another freak out, again about work. Then last sunday it was grading day! Very exciting but nerve wracking of course. I got through the day with fewer nerves than usual and successfully obtained my belt. Whoooo hooooo! Very happy.

The week to follow was to prove stressful again when househunting. Yes one of the most stressful things we do - move house! We spent hours looking for something and were lucky enough to find a house last week. I am thinking I am going to have to fully engage all my new learnt skills if I am to get through it with my sanity in tact! The hardest thing is to let go of the many thoughts which come when I am trying to do something else such as sleep! All the what ifs and buts that come with such a big thing. I suspect my worry time/thinking time list is about to get longer.

Confused...

I have become confused recently. I try to analyse everything I think. If I feel down, anxious or just not right I have to understand why I think and feel that way so I can sort it out. Also, I try to order my anxieties, problems and concerns in my head so that they are easily understandable and accessible. The problem here though is that I spend too much time thinking about all this and putting everything in order. Like I said in my last blog I have managed to leave worries to “Worry Time” but now I think I have ended up, without really noticing, spending that time overthinking my state of mind. Perhaps I can invent another branch of worrying just called “Analysis Time” where I can analyse to my heart’s content about the way I feel?! I could have a whole tree! Some might say that worrying and analysing is the same thing which maybe it is but I guess that is the OCD making me be more specific and exact. I will now include “Thinking Time” along with my ”Worry Time” for anything that is not, to my mind, a worry as such. My little attempt to not be too exact as I really would come up with the whole tree. Too complicated! I am hoping this will allow me to leave any kind of overthinking to later when I can do it in a short 20 minutes max session. Ending with a few minutes relaxation such as breathing techniques or whatever helps at the time.

This is an attempt to free my mind from the burden of so much unnecessary and unhelpful thinking but to also address any real problems I might have and try to see the difference between the two. I find I have so many genuine issues that it is important to acknowledge them, understand them and straighten them out but it is equally important to set aside a time to go over them to save me from spending all my time thinking about them which is not helpful.

Monkey Mind

I completed the CBT course for GAD and am doing quite well. Each time I begin to worry excessively I leave the worry to Worry Time. I am more able to problem solve and challenge my worrisome thoughts. Accepting uncertainty is slightly easier than it used to be but still a frightening thing - the not knowing! All in all it is going well.

However, since stopping all the constant worrying another problem which I had previously been aware of has been further highlited to me. I have terrible concentration and mental discipline! My mind is more peaceful (joy!) but I have found that, after of years of giving in to compulsions and thinking what my mind tells me I must, I have almost no concentration. Before I had the constant worries going over and over in mind like a tape playing over and over but when my mind is free of that such as at the moment I still have jumping thoughts and no discipline. My mind does still gravitate to worries, fears and often negativity. I manage to postpone the worrying but my mind is still jumping around with doubts etc.. How do I tame my "Monkey Mind" as it is called? The constant chattering. How do I learn to concentrate after years of not doing? Any tips please? I am using mindful awareness at the moment. I have recently been trying to think in practical terms and not to allow my mind to wonder too much i.e. focus on what I am doing right now. When this works I feel good. It enables me to concentrate on what I am doing while preventing the worrisome thoughts, fears and negative thinking etc..

Almost there

Well I am nearing the end of my CBT course of treatment for my GAD (worrying). I have taken the postpone worrying and "worry time" further. I have learned to challenge the problems at worry time rather than just going over them which will hopefully in the long term help me to automatically challenge my anxious thoughts immediately before I can begin stressing over them. Secondly I have tried to "Let go" of worries where you remain passive and observe rather than engage with them. The latter is not so easy! I find I can manage this with minor issues or things I have no control over but for anything more intense or troublesome I need to know I can come back to it later or it will nag away at me all day. Maybe oneday...

Now I am tackling the acceptance of uncertainty which is the main catalyst in worrying. This is the thing! The main aspect of my problem which I really need to come to terms with. But it is the just not knowing...

Worry time...

Some of you will be familiar with "Worry Time" which is when you save worries for a certain time of the day each day when you can worry about all the things which usually endlessly and ineffectively occupy your poor, tired and harassed mind for a large portion of the day. You do this for just 10 or 20 minutes (max) each day. It has proved very useful. I had heard if it before but always dismissed it as something which was not possible for me. Because of the intensity of my anxiety I always thought it was useless to even attempt it. However, I learned through one of the modules that I am able to put aside worries even when in intense fear. I had infact done this previously in troubled times. I just needed this highlighted and then to work on it. I now save worries up and it seems effective so far. It not only has the advantage of not worrying the whole time but your worries fade if you don't give them fuel. Worrying has a snowball effect. It grows and becomes stronger the more you think. The more you think the more you add to it so the more fearful you get and the more anxious worrying you do. If you postpone it it is likely it will fade away because you become occupied with other things. By Worry Time I am often not really bothered any more and sometimes don't even use the worry time!