Confused...

I have become confused recently. I try to analyse everything I think. If I feel down, anxious or just not right I have to understand why I think and feel that way so I can sort it out. Also, I try to order my anxieties, problems and concerns in my head so that they are easily understandable and accessible. The problem here though is that I spend too much time thinking about all this and putting everything in order. Like I said in my last blog I have managed to leave worries to “Worry Time” but now I think I have ended up, without really noticing, spending that time overthinking my state of mind. Perhaps I can invent another branch of worrying just called “Analysis Time” where I can analyse to my heart’s content about the way I feel?! I could have a whole tree! Some might say that worrying and analysing is the same thing which maybe it is but I guess that is the OCD making me be more specific and exact. I will now include “Thinking Time” along with my ”Worry Time” for anything that is not, to my mind, a worry as such. My little attempt to not be too exact as I really would come up with the whole tree. Too complicated! I am hoping this will allow me to leave any kind of overthinking to later when I can do it in a short 20 minutes max session. Ending with a few minutes relaxation such as breathing techniques or whatever helps at the time.

This is an attempt to free my mind from the burden of so much unnecessary and unhelpful thinking but to also address any real problems I might have and try to see the difference between the two. I find I have so many genuine issues that it is important to acknowledge them, understand them and straighten them out but it is equally important to set aside a time to go over them to save me from spending all my time thinking about them which is not helpful.

Monkey Mind

I completed the CBT course for GAD and am doing quite well. Each time I begin to worry excessively I leave the worry to Worry Time. I am more able to problem solve and challenge my worrisome thoughts. Accepting uncertainty is slightly easier than it used to be but still a frightening thing - the not knowing! All in all it is going well.

However, since stopping all the constant worrying another problem which I had previously been aware of has been further highlited to me. I have terrible concentration and mental discipline! My mind is more peaceful (joy!) but I have found that, after of years of giving in to compulsions and thinking what my mind tells me I must, I have almost no concentration. Before I had the constant worries going over and over in mind like a tape playing over and over but when my mind is free of that such as at the moment I still have jumping thoughts and no discipline. My mind does still gravitate to worries, fears and often negativity. I manage to postpone the worrying but my mind is still jumping around with doubts etc.. How do I tame my "Monkey Mind" as it is called? The constant chattering. How do I learn to concentrate after years of not doing? Any tips please? I am using mindful awareness at the moment. I have recently been trying to think in practical terms and not to allow my mind to wonder too much i.e. focus on what I am doing right now. When this works I feel good. It enables me to concentrate on what I am doing while preventing the worrisome thoughts, fears and negative thinking etc..

Almost there

Well I am nearing the end of my CBT course of treatment for my GAD (worrying). I have taken the postpone worrying and "worry time" further. I have learned to challenge the problems at worry time rather than just going over them which will hopefully in the long term help me to automatically challenge my anxious thoughts immediately before I can begin stressing over them. Secondly I have tried to "Let go" of worries where you remain passive and observe rather than engage with them. The latter is not so easy! I find I can manage this with minor issues or things I have no control over but for anything more intense or troublesome I need to know I can come back to it later or it will nag away at me all day. Maybe oneday...

Now I am tackling the acceptance of uncertainty which is the main catalyst in worrying. This is the thing! The main aspect of my problem which I really need to come to terms with. But it is the just not knowing...

Worry time...

Some of you will be familiar with "Worry Time" which is when you save worries for a certain time of the day each day when you can worry about all the things which usually endlessly and ineffectively occupy your poor, tired and harassed mind for a large portion of the day. You do this for just 10 or 20 minutes (max) each day. It has proved very useful. I had heard if it before but always dismissed it as something which was not possible for me. Because of the intensity of my anxiety I always thought it was useless to even attempt it. However, I learned through one of the modules that I am able to put aside worries even when in intense fear. I had infact done this previously in troubled times. I just needed this highlighted and then to work on it. I now save worries up and it seems effective so far. It not only has the advantage of not worrying the whole time but your worries fade if you don't give them fuel. Worrying has a snowball effect. It grows and becomes stronger the more you think. The more you think the more you add to it so the more fearful you get and the more anxious worrying you do. If you postpone it it is likely it will fade away because you become occupied with other things. By Worry Time I am often not really bothered any more and sometimes don't even use the worry time!

CBT Sessions going well...

So far my appointments have consisted of going through various modules covering an overview of worrying, why we worry, challenging beliefs about worry being uncontrollable, dangerous (although this one is not my belief), and also interestingly challenging positive beliefs about worry. I do various "experiments" each week to challenge my way of anxious worrying. It is surprisingly effective, although of course there is a long way to go. It seems quite easy at the moment because I am having a relatively easy period where anxiety is concerned and the real test will be when times are harder but this information gives me some confidence that I might be able to gain some control over it all. When my anxiety is bad it is pretty intense so my aim is to master the skills while it's quiet!

Needn't have worried...

So I went to my assessment appointment with the psychologist. They do want to focus on what is happening now but understand the anxiety goes up and down so appreciate I might be ok at present. We are going to use the CBT model. I am, of course, familiar with CBT but only for my checking with OCD. I am not familiar with how this will work with anxiety and worrying. My next appointment is by telephone next Friday lunchtime. I'd rather do these things face to face but that means letting my boss know and I really don't want to provide those details to my employer.

Hoping the wait is worth it...

Tomorrow, after one and a half years of being on a waiting list, I finally have an appointment with a psychologist. I do hope that they are able to help my anxiety in some way. My biggest concern is that for me it is a very on and off issue. When I am anxious it can be really terrible and crippling but then other times I seem to have long periods of calm. At the moment I am experiencing the latter which is wonderful but I do hope that I don't have to pay for that by it proving unhelpful in terms of discussing my experiences and what they can do to help me as they seem to want to focus on how I am right now. Waiting lists are tremendously unhelpful to ill health!