So far so good

Well I am quite surprised. I expect to be even more anxious than usual when I go on holiday and find it hard to enjoy myself but not at all this time. When things are unfamiliar my anxiety seems to increase although I am now thinking that that is offset by the fact that I don't have any responsibilities to stress about while I am away and nothing is expected of me. Hurray! I can tackle the responsibilities when I get home and am hoping to keep up the progress of late but for now I really am enjoying a bit of sun and relaxation. :0)

Space

I have recently been fortunate enough to experience life without anxiety, fear and worry. This is with the help of the books I have been reading and which I now pretty much live by. This rare feeling of stillness and peace in my mind is really quite blissful. It enables me to just be, experience now, get on with my life and enjoy all that life is. There is however, one other thing the peace creates - space. Actually, it's a void. At times I go from being a constant worrier to someone well, pretty much normal really. This is fantastic of course and something I want to maintain but what about the space? I have feared and worried my way through life and I feel as a consequence have not achieved what I could have. This mental freedom allows me to see this. The only thing I have done is take up karate in the last few months. The space in my life and the time I now have is an opportunity to live and experience which, progress permitting, I fully intend to do but I cannot help but feel a great sadness at the lost time and opportunities I have missed. Without the fear and worrying to make me afraid to do things and occupy my time what would I have been like and what would I have done with my life? I am now left thinking what can I do to make a start on making up for it? Can I? I feel as though I need to get to know myself properly aside from the problem so I can successfully achieve what I want out of life.

Help and holidays

Since the discovery of the great book ‘Anxiety Free’ by Dr Robert L. Leahy at New Year I have been up and down with my anxiety. One minute feeling as though I can gain / am gaining control of it and feeling as though things are promising then the next feeling as though the strength of the anxiety is still overwhelming. I realise though that progress will, of course, be slow. I have not seen my counsellor as planned because since reading the book I felt as though I could try to deal with it alone. I have though, continued to struggle and although the book is very good it is not enough. It was rather optimistic and naive to think I could take it on alone. Anyway, I have been on a waiting list for a psychologist since November 2009 and they have recently contacted me and am told I will start a programme within the next two months. I think it will be so much easier with someone guiding me through what I need to do. I have also bought a book called ‘The Worry Cure’ also by Dr Robert L. Leahy which is excellent and even more relevant since it is even more specific to my most challenging needs. Worry, worry, worry! I do feel optimistic because of everything I am learning from the books. Perhaps progress will quicken up once I start the programme.

Anyway, guess what?! I am going on holiday tomorrow for five nights which will be a challenge for me as I can be more afraid when I am not familiar with my surroundings. Then there is all the planning and preparation which can get me into a bit of a tizz what with making sure I have everything but hey - nearly there now. Please wish me luck for that. I am trying not to think about my workload at the office when I return. Also, I have another karate grading coming up so it’s challenges all the way!

Embrace the fear...

When anxiety strikes and I am convinced there will be terrible consequences how do I stop this horrible process of fear and thinking, thinking, thinking to resolve the problem and make it all go away?! The answer I am learning is that I cannot. Just as you cannot stop any thoughts which have intensity. I am learning that I have to willingly let them in. Now I have a better understanding of where my anxiety comes from I am not quite as afraid of the anxiety itself. I am in a better position to rationalise. I cannot allow my thoughts on solving the apparent but false crisis to take over and dominate my mind constantly but nor can I block them out. I am learning to accept the anxiety and recognise that it is initially there to help me since it is programmed into our minds during evolution - this makes it easier. Slowing down my thinking and breathing helps. It is natural to think very quickly when you're anxious and end up lost in a world of fear and negativity. I hope that my new found knowledge on evolution will help. It certainly gives me confidence. Only time will tell...

Mindful amongst the madness

Well I have been practicing mindfulness for a while now and I am pleased to say it is very helpful. Things are hectic at the moment. There's allsorts going on at work and my personal life is busier than usual so I find my head can be quite cluttered. Add to this a touch of OCD and a bit (or lot) of anxiety and you can have mayhem. On Wednesday I was thinking about all that is going on at work, trying to figure a few things out. Then my mind turned to personal stuff, then to my weekend away "up north" to see my family and it all got a bit much until I remembered I could observe what was happening instead of fretting about it. Get some emotional distance which I did and the stress slowly seeped away leaving me feeling quite calm and in control - well more so anyway! Sometimes I just replace thoughts with what is happening here and now to rest from it all and refresh.

Of course my new found understanding of the origins of my anxiety is a great help for my symptoms. When they appear I am better able to rationalise. My concentration levels have increased since I am not feeling that constant low level anxiety where I am always on alert so I can look for danger. I notice though, that this does reappear and I need to register it then let it go. Progress is very good but it is still, even though it's easier, a constant battle.

Ready for the test?

I have used CBT to help with my checking compulsions for a long time now and found it quite effective as long as I really make an effort or it slips back again. Of course there is always a compulsion to check which I resist and this is accompanied with a sense that I am taking a risk in resisting - such as OCD is. I find now though, since I have gained a better understanding of the reasons behind my needing to check the sense has decreased somewhat making the compulsion weaker - or maybe my resistance is stronger because I understand? I am not sure which. I think I can deal with the checking most of the time. The big test will be for my generalised anxiety disorder when there is an incident which makes me unduly anxious. Will I be able to rationalise it now knowing why I have such fear?

Inspiration and revelation

Inspiration can come from the most unexpected source at the most unexpected moment.

Over Christmas I watched a film I had not seen for years. I saw it as a child when it first came out in 1984. It had an inspiring message and I loved it. This time I watched it with the same enthusiasm I had the first time around but found it inspiring for a very different reason. One of the main characters, Johnny Lawrence, has highlighted to me the dramatic impact anxiety has had on my whole life. I was struck by his carefree attitude, his energy, enthusiasm, optimism, friendships, achievement, and a love of life. Attributes which I feel I would benefit from if it were not for the burden of feeling that even the most insignificant of situations appear to carry a multitude of dangers. The character is actually the bad guy (and not a typical source of inspiration!) but nevertheless the filmmakers have given him these qualities and regardless of the fact that he is entirely fictional it has made me think. It does not have to be real because the attributes are realistic. I could be doing so much more with my life if I were free from the restraints of undue anxiety. It was a suffocating feeling to realise this. However, I did not feel defeated and an immense feeling of strength and motivation was added to my desperation to resolve my problem and start living fully. I was struck by the realization that what is more frightening than living with anxiety is not living a full life because of it. But how can I achieve that?

Once again I looked for any literature I could find that could help me and was amazed when I immediately found a fantastically helpful book called Anxiety Free by Robert. L. Leahy PhD. This book is a revelation to me. It explains about anxiety, evolution and our ancestors and how it is part of our biological heritage. Of course it is not a cure but it really makes sense to me and has helped me to understand why I feel the way I do. Understanding why is the key to overcoming it. I can recommend the book to anyone suffering with an anxiety disorder.

Life used to be something to be endured, but now I think perhaps it can be enjoyed. Knowledge is power as they say.