Rollercoaster

Well where to begin? Since my last blog on 2nd November things have gone from bad to worse to better to pretty fantastic.

After the incident with my wrist my anxiety continued into the following week and by the Tuesday I decided to add a days holiday to either side of my already booked days off on the Friday and Monday giving me six days of rest. This rest, I did not get. I have spoken before of going away causing stress. Well I had planned to go to visit my parents 200 miles away from the Friday to Sunday. This only added to my anxiety, causing my overall stress levels and tiredness to increase so much so that on Saturday my OCD caused me to replay words over and over in my mind making me disappear further into my own little world of stress. By the time I got home on Sunday evening I felt as though I had not even really seen my parents because I had not properly been present with them. As you can imagine, this was really upsetting. My next two days off were not much better and as time went on I began to realise that my relaxing time off had been anything but.

Back to work on Wednesday, I just tried to get back to normal, whatever that is. Still feeling stressed and even more tired, I felt as though the intense anxiety was lasting for an eternity and was feeling really down. I began to think the feeling would never go. Needing to take some action I started repeating to myself some mantras such as “swap anxiety for confidence” and “swap negativity for positivity”. I have found that if I repeat such things to myself enough times and really take them on board and mean them then they do begin to work. It takes some self-discipline to retrain the mind this way but is well worth it. The following weekend I went to my Karate lesson, which was the last one before the Championships on 20th November. In my anxious state the lesson was really nerve wracking for me because I knew that I had to practice hard and do well. Also, I feared that the next week my anxiety would be really intense because of the competition coming up. On Sunday I spent the day with my brother, sister-in-law and their lovely new baby which brightened me up a little. Then something strange happened. After I got home and had dinner my anxiety seemed to fade and was then completely gone within a short space of time. Last week each day I went pretty much anxiety free, very, very tired but not at all anxious. I kept thinking, how odd! Even with the competition looming I was not nervous. It was as though an off switch had been pressed. I wish I knew how to locate the off switch!

On Friday the day before the competition I was feeling the beginnings of a few nerves but not much really. I was just exhausted. On the day, yesterday, I was nervous but only typically, nothing too severe thankfully. And guess what?! Not expecting to get very far as I am a beginner and have never entered any kind of competition before, I got through to the finals and won a bronze medal. I am so happy. Not wishing to be boastful but I feel as though I have done really well and been quite brave to be honest because it’s not easy doing this kind of thing especially in front of approx. 300 people. I am still a little “high” from the whole thing and feel I now need to practice relaxation techniques because of the excitement rather than anxiety. I don’t know, if it’s not one thing it’s another!

Showing the strain of OCD and Anxiety...

On Sunday I hit the back of my wrist on the underside of the shower door as I picked the bath mat off the floor. The following few hours were hell. Not because of the cut which was very small or the force with which I hit it but because I became paranoid that I was almost certainly going to get tetanus. Normally I would not even think of this especially since I was immunised as a child. Or perhaps it would pass through my mind only to be quickly dismissed. I was terrified. It was all I could think about, going over and over the likeliness. I made the mistake of doing the worst thing which is look it up on the net as that way you pick up a lot of innaccurate and frightening information. I ended up calling NHS direct who said I should keep the cut clean and covered and call my doctor in the morning to check my immunisation history. I had to wait until morning. I felt dreadful knowing that I had to wait so long until I could be sure I would be safe.

I understand why this has happend. Basically I am stressed. It has happened before where gradually the stress has crept up on me unnoticed until one day something relatively small happens and wham! Horror strikes and I feel as though I have a clamp around my heart and I am having the life squeezed out of me slowly. Having totally misjudged the situation and being illogical. I put it down to a combination of general life stresses which we all suffer, of course and OCD & Anxiety. Obviously suffering with OCD and anxiety makes you more susceptible to stress. The day in day out strain of having to repeat everything and knowing I will feel I have to do this each day along with the general feelings of anxiety really take its toll and when "real" life gets stressful too it can be a lot to deal with.

I think I need to really keep an eye on my stress levels and make sure I am getting enough relaxation time each day even if only for a short while. I am feeling a bit better now and am really trying to make sure I relax. I am due for my daily "session" now and a bit of meditation is called for I think.

I did call the doctor by the way, who said I am covered as I am immunised.