Commencement of the unusual anxiety combat plan

Well now I can tell you about my unconventional OCD/Anxiety combat plan. Karate! Because I am anxious or maybe aside from being anxious - I am not sure - I can be intimidated easily and quite fearful. Relatively minor things make me scared and things which the average (whatever that is) person would find a bit scary I find terrifying. One day a few weeks ago I was walking down the road with my Louis Vuitton handbag in the undesirable area in which I live and this guy said to me "That's a nice bag. Is it real?". To which I too quickly replied "No. I wish". I was immediately scared that I was in danger of being mugged. Not right then but in the future. The feeling increased and I felt totally crushed as though I had a big black cloud hanging over my head and as though I was destined to be attacked. It was all I could think about and when I got home I burst into tears. My husband understood why I was scared but said my reaction was too much which I already realised for myself. But the problem is that knowing it's over the top does not make it go away. I thought that something really has to change. I need to do something empowering and demonstrative. I have liked the idea of Karate since I was a child and never got around to it through laziness and fear. Now I am doing it because of fear. To get rid of it. I had my first lesson today and loved it so much. I really hope it will help and believe it is already increasing my confidence.

As for the diet, well I am still tweaking that around. I really am one hungry monster. I think years of watching what I eat has made me think diet food is the norm when in fact people not wishing to loose weight really need a whole lot more. Especially when they run and do Karate! We're going out for dinner tonight as it's my Birthday on Monday (not an ideal night to go out). Dessert or not? We'll see.

Good intentions and determination...

Well the new eating plan is going well. No snacking willy nilly, here and there although it has been tough as I don't think I ate enough the last couple of days and did not sleep well last night. I woke up hungry this morning and was unable to get back to sleep. Maybe I just need to get used to it but I probably should eat slightly larger meals. I do feel better for eating more normally.

On a different note I have come up with an unconventional but possible and very likely anxiety combat plan. I won't say anything yet as it is early days but I think I have an idea that might help me out. Well see.

Again I have reminded myself of the total OCD exposure I am supposed to be aiming for. I keep slipping and giving in. Must stay determined and strong willed!

So far so good...

Last few days I have stuck to my meals with my PM and evening snacks with nothing else. I must admin I am feeling a little hungry but I guess it takes a while to get my system used to new eating habits. The funny thing is, although actually I guess it's quite logical but I enjoy my meals more. I guess you do if you're more hungry. It will be good if I can continue with this approach to eating. No messing around snacking and hopefully I can more easily control my weight. The important thing to remember I think is to make sure I get all my nutrients in each meal. With the odd bit of chocolate now and again of course!

I am not feeling much more anxious either but I need to keep an eye on that as I don't want my OCD becoming worse. I'll need all my discipline with fighting that nagging doubt when locking up etc.

Oh to be thin and anxiety free...

Recently I have been feeling as though I have gained too much weight. I tried on some old dresses the other day and felt big in all of them. I bought two of them about ten years ago and in that time I have lost loads of weight and put it back on. It’s the second bit that bothers me. One dress fit me last December when I bought it for the work Christmas party. It’s only July and it is really quite tight. I realise that until very recently I had been hungry most of the time as I tried so hard to be thinner but trying on the dresses now has really made me think. How big will I get?! I know I need to eat enough for my health and that hunger causes problems with my anxiety and OCD but I do feel as though I have excess I should lose. Sometimes I think it doesn't matter what size society dictates women should be and others I think why don't I look like that thin girl over there? Since realising I am easily influenced by the opinons of others I have come to the conclusion that, of course, it is my opinion which matters not other peoples. I do feel uncomfortable and as though I have gained too much. The question is how to loose some and deal with my increased anxiety, hopefully just while I adjust to it. I know I have been here before but I feel I must do something now.

I put rosemary in the lasagne...

Whenever I go on a strict diet I always loose my mind. I think the energy from the little food I do eat goes elsewhere and completely bypasses my brain. So low on energy I do silly things from the lack of concentration. I am cooking lasagne, something I have done countless times, and I have just put rosemary in it! It should be basil and oregano. It tastes good actually, but that's not the point. I've not had a good week this last week with starving myself stupid. I think I need to accept that my ass is bigger than I want it to be. It works for J-Lo but then I don't have her face. I have done very well at work this past year and have been rewarded for it. I don't want to jeoparise this by having no energy and consequently lack the concentration I need. Progression at work has done wonders for my self esteem over recent weeks. My new found concentration and less anxiety is largly down to eating correctly. I know that only a foolish airhead would wave that away for a smaller behind.

Let's go eat that lasagne.

So far so... ok

Diet is going fairly well in that I am being disciplined and sticking to the three meals a day strictly. It's tough though as I am hungry. I think I need to eat slightly bigger meals. Hunger is causing: fatigue, aggression (but not with other people - I hope!), wondering mind, slightly increased anxiety, all which seem to cause low self esteem - oh what fun! Being thinner is at a high price indeed. I'll see how I feel after increasing meal size.

Locking up was tough this AM. Had to check the cooker dozens of times as I cooked last night. Common sense suggests if it's been ok all night then it should be ok I the morning but OCD does not do common sense. I thought to myself I cannot slip backwards with the OCD as a result of dieting as that would be too depressing. I have come long way in the last few months and I cannot risk current state of mental health for a slim figure. Here's hoping I can take control of the effects of the hunger by being aware of how it effects me.

Strange eating habits have got to go

Today I have been more anxious due to my diet and lack of sleep. I am wondering if I can continue to run as my injury is refusing to mend. I think I need to take more time off from it - very disappointing! So I have decided to tighten up on the calorie allowance. I guess until my body adjusts to it and I stop being hungry my anxiety will stay higher. Hopefully not for more than a few days maybe?! It does effect my sleep too. OCD might be a bit tougher for a while. I could just eat normally I know, but putting weight on just makes me feel mad with myself.

Talking of diets, a long while ago I realised that my eating habits are very habitual and illogical. I am a strange kind of emotional eater. Usually emotional eaters are overweight, or so I believe, please tell me if I am wrong. I am not overweight because I have a little trick - I don't eat enough a mealtimes so I can rely on the emotional crutch of food later in the day. Not good - I know! Years ago I tried to diet and failed all the time until I one day I came up with a weight loss plan which worked too well and not only did I end up being disciplined enough to stop myself eating too much, I became anorexic. I am no longer anorexic but I have, since then, eaten small meals which are focal points of the day, knowing that I am then able to eat whenever I like at other times. It is like a comfort blanket. I need to give this a rest now, not only because it is mentally and physically bad for me but because it is also very distracting - being hungry and nibbling every two minutes. I am trying, as I have mentioned previously, to declutter my mind and life in general. This is one way in which I can make life more simple by doing the logical thing and not messing around. I will of course then be left with this gap the food used to fill (in my mind I mean not my stomach!). How will I feel when I have eaten enough lunch and it's 3:30pm and I'm sat at my desk thinking dinner is hours away? If I eat then it's too much food. If I don't how will I feel? Why is the emotional gap there in the first place? Let's see how I go tomorrow.

One last thing though is that tomorrow I need to lock up so am slightly concerned at how I'll cope since my anxiety is increased. Fingers crossed.