Learning to shut out the noise

Things have been going well recently. Since I've not been so preoccupied I've managed to get into my work and feel as thought I'm living a fairly normal life and enjoying it all. But over the last couple of days I've been a bit cloudy of mind. It happens occasionally where I cannot think clearly as my mind is a bit sluggish. I'm not sure why. I guess it happens to us all. Anyway, it makes my self-esteem plummet and I become very self-critical. I end up thinking I'm stupid and am not very kind to myself. All this critical self talk escalates to thinking of other people telling me I'm no good and patronising me. My imagination can be quite vicious. Does this make me sound crazy? I have had thoughts like this on and off for a long time usually when my self-esteem is low. I am sure everyone thinks like this sometimes  as we all have insecurities and we all have an imagination! I just wonder if  the amount I do it is damaging to me. I need to stop thinking like that but it is hard.

I've tried not to be preoccupied with it and have been trying to throw myself into my work and think of external things rather than obsess about the noise going on in my head. Amazingly I have found I have been able to push aside my mind troubles and focus on work more easily than before. For me this is really pleasing as I used to be at the mercy of my obsession with my problems and I always envied those who can just shut things off and get on with their tasks. Now I can do that too. I think it will be an effort to maintain though as I'm sure it is a phase which might change back. 

Claiming back my time!

Since getting on top of my preoccupation with my problems I have found my production levels have increased. At work and otherwise I am able to think so much better. I had forgotten how much of your life being preoccupied claims. That feeling of not being able to just get on. Not being able to do stuff I need to do or fun stuff I want to do. There was always this niggle in my mind, tapping on my shoulder saying  "Hey. Think about me, think about me"! It is still frequently there but not quite as strong. I just try to ignore it. The more I ignore it the easier I find it. I guess it's because the less I do it the happier and more in control I feel so the pull in that direction in my mind fades. I have noticed my OCD wanting a bit of attention at work lately but I think that is just because I am quite busy which of course increases stress levels. I am trying to control it by allowing myself to only do what is reasonable in order to avoid all the repetitive checking. I still check a little more than is strictly reasonable or necessary but I am better than I used to be.

Something which really helps to pull me out of my inside world is Karate. I spend a lot of time obsessing about my problems and what to do about them and then there is all the other general noise going on in my mind. Karate brings me out of all that and into the present which enables me to find my focus. Karate is something which requires dedication, commitment and focus, of course. So once I am in that frame of mind I can more easily feel my feet on the ground in the real world. Not that I usually live in a parallel universe but sometimes I think I might as well! I have a few goals coming up in karate so I aim to switch my focus to that and perhaps I will then be able to focus more easily on the rest of my life and it will all fall into place! Optimistic? Probably :o). But one can hope. 

I have not encountered any of my extreme anxiety triggers over the last few days so have not been able to test my skills at rationalising. I am sure something will be along shortly...

Misinterpretation

I often get into a state because of the way I see things. If anxious I feel that the smallest of issues is a disaster waiting to happen which must be prevented immediately or if I'm feeling negative I see things as deeply depressing and of extreme seriousness. I become shrouded in gloom with no light in sight. I realise how dramatic this sounds but it really is all consuming. Maybe I have the opposite problem to rose tinted glasses! There is a lot of "self-help" out there and I have found useful info specifically for anxiety and depression which teaches us to challenge anxious and negative thoughts. I have mentioned before that I also find Buddhism useful since it suggests we use awareness to look at reality from an objective view rather than our own automatic perception. The question is though when the dark feelings descend can I see to stop and question my thoughts and feelings and find the real "truth" of the situation within the mess of my mind? If I can I am free of I cannot...

I got into a state last weekend because I misjudged the seriousness of something which happened. Next time something happens I aim to ask myself if my feelings are reasonable. Would a "normal" person think like that? I think I usually know they would not but don't progress much further than that. If only I can find a way to be calm, objective and reasonable. This way I will be in a better position to question my thoughts and feelings and recognise I am misinterpreting the situation and see it for what it really is. This would really be huge progress.

Upward curve

I have not written for a while. This is not because nothing's going on. I have been really quite low since November. It started with moving house. The process and the build up to the move and then the move itself was stressful. It actually went quite smoothly and relatively quickly. I dread to think what state I'd have been in had it not! So we were lucky with all that. However, the real stress came when once moved in we had the huge task of renovating the place which is now over half done.

All this got to me. I felt down, negative and stressed and my self esteem suffered although I am not sure how that relates to the disorder, mess and renovation. Maybe it felt out of control and too big for me? I'm not sure. This lead to feelings of anger and frustration a lot of the time. I found that the intense negative emotions made my mind very tired and also my body. I caught a cold in the winter which turned into congestion which lasted months and has still not 100% cleared. The doctor just said it'll take time to clear. Sure is! It's a real eye opener about how negative emotions can also physically harm you. I have discovered that stress even causes dizziness and back pain! Stress is bad news.

I have done a lot of work on trying to shift my emotions to up rather than down. I have tried to switch from negative to optimism and slowly it has worked. Trying to make myself see the good and be more light (hearted). Each day edging to being that bit better. I realised that I had somehow subconsciously decided that because I have OCD, anxiety and depression I cannot be happy. Of course this is not true because they come and go in varying degrees and can be manageable. I have used some Buddhist principles to help to calm myself which is very useful. 

Recently I have tried to avert my attention from the negativity and anger when it crops up and to switch to thinking of something which makes me happy or something practical. 

I think the route of my anger and lack of self-esteem stems from deep, long held opinions of myself which I have now learned are inaccurate. I believed for years that I should be and should have achieved things which I have not and this was terrible for my self-esteem. I read a book called "DON'T GET MAD GET WISE. Why no one ever makes you angry...ever!" by Mike George which made me realise I am not supposed to be anything other than myself. Sounds obvious but it is incredible how many people have no idea that is all / what they need to be. We keep trying to fit the square peg in the round hole because we think - or want - it to go but it just is

not us so it doesn't. Also to try to change these views and in turn my feelings about myself I have decided to focus on a few aims. I told myself I should do what makes me happy and do what I am good at. So I have based my aims on these things.

Something which had made a huge difference is that I have tried hard to atop my preoccupation with my problems. Anxiety and OCD like to put me though the torturous task of constantly repeating to myself my problems and how to resolve them. On a loop over and over I "repeat".  I have managed to stop this habit and free my mind. I managed it by keeping it short and sweet by saying to myself only the main points - I think there were just three - and then practicing letting them go and making myself focus on other things for prolonged periods. Now I don't "repeat" much at all. It has free my thinking hugely and made me feel more happy, creative, enthusiastic and energetic. I don't know how long I can keep this up but it's good! 

Life feels better now and I hope I can continue this even when the negative and fearful feelings rear their ugly heads. 

Exhausted

I am absolutely exhausted. On Thursday and Friday last week work was hectic and stressful. The team I support were producing a lot of work and since one of my colleagues was on holiday I was also supporting her team who were also very busy. My OCD is usually worse at work. In stressful periods, of course, it becomes much worse. This was one of those occasions. Because of the anxiety I feel very worried about making mistakes and because of the OCD I feel the need to check my work many times. By the time I got home on Thursday evening I was really feeling it and woke in the night at about 3am unable to get back to sleep. You can imagine how I felt on Friday which was much the same as Thursday workload wise. I got home on Friday looking forward to the long bank holiday weekend. But when I arrived at my karate lesson on Saturday lunchtime I felt half asleep and struggled through my lesson. I went home feeling mentally and physically exhausted. The physical exhaustion was not down to karate but because of the impact stress has on my body. I have experienced this before. I decided to give the afternoon lesson a miss - not so much a choice as necessary. Today I didn't go either. I feel an aching, crushing kind of tiredness. At first I did not believe how two stressful days could make me feel this bad but then I thought about how I have felt for the last several weeks. 

It seems every day when I wake in the morning my first thought is of my issues and it continues like that for the rest of the day. Thinking about my OCD, anxiety, depression, lack of self-esteem. Not always actually worrying as such but at least being aware of it - having it in my consciousness the whole time so it overshadows everything. This feels like a great burden - a heavy weight on my shoulders. I need to stop this. I don't always use the worry time as I should. I have tried to reintroduce this in the last couple of days. Worry time can be a great help. Another thing I have realised is that I am often in the frame of mind that I am and my life is my issues. Because I think of them constantly they have become more prominent than anything else in my life and have event become me or at least that is how if feels. I need to adapt my perception of myself and my life to being the me without the problems and the anxiety, OCD and depression just a part of it. Does this make sense?  I think the above has worn me down over time. I was down, negative and tired so then when things got stressful at work I just could not withstand the pressure. I also seem to have a constant cold. I expect that is a sign I am feeling the strain. I need to learn to cope better. I am fairly ok at handling the problems individually. I know how to deal with them. But the constant thinking about it all needs to stop. 

This is hard. I really want to be able to use the worry time to stop the constant thoughts and awareness of these problems and to think of myself as the person I am aside from these things - the real me if you like. Then I think my life can be brighter. 

Something weird happened this morning

I left the house and began to walk down the street to the station. After about 150 yards I suddenly thought did I switch off the bathroom light? At the moment I don't usually put the light on as it's daylight when I get up but this morning I put the light on while I was in there for a minute just before I left so it is not part of my routine. I was not particularly worried about it just annoyed. I thought it will bug me all day if I don't check it. Going back to the house to check something is, to me, a serious step backwards in dealing with my OCD but today was different somehow. I decided to go back but as I said it did not feel as though it was so much because I was worried but because it annoyed me. I went back and found I had turned it off. I am confused. Would a "normal" person have gone back not because of worry but because it would bug them? It seems odd to me. At one time threat and the subsequent feelings of worry would be at the forefront of my mind. I don't feel my OCD is becoming worse but I will be interested to see how I manage to lock up on Friday.

Stop the noise

I have just graded for my purple and white karate belt. This is something which makes me incredibly happy.

I have noticed that in the two weeks coming up to grading all the noise in my head stops. I need to focus on my grading and practice and prepare. I somehow seem to be able to achieve this state of mind where everything else takes a back seat and all the negative self talk and general skewed thinking inside my mind ceases. It is peaceful. Of course I am nervous and working hard but things are much clearer without the clutter. In comparison to my usual experience this is peaceful.  I have learnt that I can stop all the noise in my head. But how can I make this happen day to day? I have noted that when I achieve this clear and quiet state of mind coming up to grading it is automatic rather than conscious. I don't think - "right I need to have focus now and not worry about other things" - it just happens. There is something in my unconscious which believes that it is so important I achieve in karate I am somehow able, without even consciously trying, to get focused and block out all else.

If only I could  summon up a feeling of necessity to have this mind set for the day to day. Then I could control all the negative self talk and feelings which I struggle with everyday, focus, achieve and be happy. Of course though my ability to achieve this state of mind is down to my passion for karate. You cannot be passionate about the day to day.