I did it!

I went out in my car by myself this morning! It was scary but not quite as much as I thought. I actually enjoyed it. I do keep getting fearful thoughts of what if this and that happens. I think I can deal with this in two ways. Firatly, ensure I continue to go by the rules and also expand my road knowledge. Secondly spot the fearful thoughts and deal with them in a practical way by asking myself "in that situation what is the correct thing to do"? therefore learning and reasoning. I have not had chance to be in any kind of negative mood today as I have been far too preoccupied to have wondering thoughts. It is amazing how your mind just wanders to the negative when it has idle time.

A little sunshine

Today I have felt quite a bit more happy. I've had a little sunshine today. I had a stormy mid morning with a conflict of opinion at work but that settled and I have felt more positive. I can see things from a more calm, optimistic point of view. I just need to keep remembering to spot the negative thoughts and what my OCD free twin would think and do. I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow for me...

Bit of a storm

Well the day has been a bit stormy. My insecurities were on annoyed mode today. We went for a drive which I was excited to do but felt nervous throughout. My husband said I did really well and had improved from last time although he hadn't thought I was too bad before. All progress. I find though that one minor thing can scare me. You just have to mention cyclists, motorcyclists or children and I start thinking am I going to do something wrong and before you know it I am imagining scenarios and that I will be in trouble.  Spotting and changing this way of thinking is tough. One of the things I learnt in CBT for checking is to imagine I were my OCD free twin and what she would think. Would she check? No! So maybe I can try to work out how she would think about these things. She would probably just learn the lesson, be happy and get on with it.

Looking for my sunshine

Well I have been trying to face my fears. I have done a bit of driving and have entered a karate competition! The black cloud is still there. It is turning grey though - but slowly. It's like something has been disconnected and I can't the get the fun back. It's like the light went out and I have to locate the on switch. I'm a bit numb in a way. My brothers wife had a baby a few days ago which made me so happy and I thought I got my light back but that has faded now. It's almost worse than being anxious because at least then I feel alive and motivated. Anyway, I will be careful what I wish for!! I'm trying to adjust my outlook to optimistic and not take anything too seriously and see things as though they should be enjoyed. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I'm in grey cloud but hopefully the sun will shine tomorrow...

Black Cloud

Ever since my first driving lesson I have been living under what I call a Black cloud which is basically the way I have felt. Anxious, fearful, negative and down. It is as though I am trapped in this way of thinking and cannot see a way to brake free. I seem to get lost in a dark world where I cannot see reason. The negativity is so intense. I was at first feeling inferior because I find driving hard. This brought about  feelings of inferiority in other areas of my life. I managed to stop feeling that way through reasoning. The feelings then moved to intense fear coupled with negativity. Yesterday I had a think about it all and how I am so fed up of feeling this way and how hugely it effects my life. I realised that I really need to learn to see reason and stop the black cloud early on. I am sure I have said this before though. It is tough. I also realised that while I am living under this black cloud I lose enthusiasm,  joy and energy generally and become less enthusiastic about the things I love which is unfortunate because these are the things which keep you going. My fear of driving is making me so fearful and down that I am less enthusiastic about things. I decided I simply must put a stop to that. I'm not sure how to tackle it but my first plan is to face all fears directly and don't allow myself to back out of anything. Be strong.

Well here we go then...

I bought a car today! I have been looking for three or four weeks now and today I saw the right one. My husband will collect it on Thursday. I have another refresher lesson coming up after which I will be driving to my karate lessons at the weekend which is why I am getting the car really. One more weekend of public transport and off I go. My husband has said he will come with me the first time I drive to each location as they are dotted around town. Then I will be on my own. Blimey! Facing the fear...

Amazing take control moment...

On Wednesday morning I was getting ready for work and realised I was running late. I had about three minutes to lock up the house and go. Not sure where the time went! Anyway, usually that would make me panic and my checking would just become worse. But I thought to myself "no I am not going to be late today. I am not going to miss my train". Somehow I managed to just lock up by doing only what was absolutely necessary and found the strength through determination to pretty much leave everything else. Wow! Got the train no probs.