Progress, peace and learning to have fun

I have not written for a long time mainly because I just lost the will to document all the on goings in my head since it meant thinking about it even more than I already was doing and partly because I was just too fed up to be bothered.
In the time that has passed I have had some very bad lows and some high highs leading me to think I might actually be mildly bi-polar if such a a thing is possible. I have not dared look into it as depression scares the hell out of me.

I have made huge progress with my OCD and have managed to rid my mind of my thought loops. Basically compulsively repeating a list of worries over and over in my head. This I have done since childhood so this is massive for me! Of course it returns sometimes but only for a short while until I regain control.

I did have, what appeared to be, another OCD / GAD/ depression breakthrough moment last October. I went to Brighton for the weekend with my husband and his best mate Gary and his girlfriend Sara. I was not really all that bothered about going as it was to see Joe Bonamassa in concert who the guys had worshipped for years but I barely knew who he was – I don’t tend to pay attention to this stuff as I am too busy obsessing about everything in my head. My usual fearful and negative mind was telling me that I would be bored and not really enjoy Brighton - I had never been before. Anyway, off we went. It was awesome! I loved Brighton as it is so busy and vibrant and I loved the concert and came out with all the good brain chemicals running wild. In the pub afterwards the subject came around to my husband’s brother Matt. Gary was commenting on Matt’s OCD and that he avoids various things he is afraid of. So there was I in my high as a kite good mood full of positivity and joy thinking “Oh yes I also recognise those as OCD behaviours and I have similar ones which I just know I can overcome!!”. I had this sense that I could overcome it all. Also, I had been really down about karate for a while, missing lessons. I lost my Mojo you could say and my confidence with it. Feeling empowered with the happy chemicals running wild I thought I am going to go back and go for it! So I did. For about two weeks…

Then something happened. I will not go into great detail due to its personal nature (sorry to disappoint – you don’t get the juice!) but suffice to say I met a friend who was very dear to me and they let me down. They acted like a good and close, caring friend and then in the blink of an eye - nothing! They virtually disappeared. I had become very attached and was gutted and heartbroken to say the least. I missed the person but also I had allowed this friendship to distract me from many things in life and in particular karate which I had as I said earlier regained my passion for.  Then when they turned away from me I felt I was left with nothing. I had so easily allowed this to happen. I have learned a lot from this experience.

I am learning about my highs and lows and that it is often only a feeling and does not always have much of a basis. I get low about something and then with a boost of happiness it just disappears as though the source my unhappiness does not matter anymore. Like it was just an obsession. Some highs can come from big or small events and last hours or weeks and they also have little basis. They are just there. I think this is what happened after the concert with my thoughts on OCD and karate. It was just a high making me feel that way? It can only be real if it sticks and I so easily let go. I'm not really decided yet what I make of all that.

I have been reading a book called “Dare to Live” by Mirian Subirana. I cannot recommend it enough. It teaches us to let go of attachments. We can love people but we cannot own them. We can like our possessions but we should not become emotionally attached. If you can learn to accept this you can rid your life of a lot of fear and anxiety as you no longer fear losing them. Also, not to pin happiness on wants and desires. We want possessions and we want status. Best instead to work on goals which allow us to progress as people. Of course, in my opinion, we will always want stuff but as long as you understand you cannot always have what you want and don’t be emotionally dependant on it it’s ok. I think you can choose a balance which suits your needs. I now meditate each day. I tried before but didn't stick at it but this experience has made me see that I really need to. If I don’t things break down again. I am always so up and down, high and low. I need meditation to keep on the straight and narrow. It keep the storm away - to maintain some peace in my mind. I am focusing on being peaceful and loving while letting go of fear and anger by understanding and acceptance. I have also made a promise to myself to only have optimistic and positive thoughts. Quite a challenge!

I have also learned that I must do things I enjoy. I don’t spend enough time having fun. I really would love to do something creative and achieve a sense of progress. I can of course progress in karate but increasingly I am falling out of love with it. I really don’t know what will happen there. I lose confidence every time I make another go of it. We’ll see but I don’t think I should pressure myself to do something which is not working for me at the moment.  Anyway, because of something I am up to (more about that later) it will be necessary for me to have a rest from it in a few weeks’ time. Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder or maybe I will find something else that excites me.

The wait is over...

I have finally found out what causes my eczema. After all these years of having terrible, painful, itchy, bleeding, embarrassing skin on my hands I have found the cause. I've had it since I was a baby and rather than improve as I got older as is common it got worse. 

Incredibly it completely cleared up when I was anorexic in my early twenties. Naively I thought it had gone for good but once I had made the tremendous effort of managing to eat and was getting better the eczema came back with a vengeance. It was slowly creeping back for a long time. I first noticed it one day at work. I thought my skin looks as though it is glowing red from the inside. I tried not to think about it and just hoped it was something else and would get better. It didn't and the swelling started. I gradually started to get more worried but didn't know what to do so tried to ignore it. I switched jobs and remember not long after I started came the day when I knew with certainty that the "curse" as I call it was definitely back. My skin all over my hands was swollen and bright red like glowing torches. Bizarre and very uncomfortable. They itched all over. I felt devastated. I felt as though I was having a panic attack. Eczema and not knowing the cause has always been a great source of anxiety for me and now my anxiety went into overdrive. I couldn't stand not knowing the cause. To say I was obsessed was an understatement. Of course because of the timing I thought it must be something I was eating so I went through the laborious task of eliminating various foods from my diet. Not something I needed to be doing just as I was recovering from an eating disorder. I also had blood tests for food allergies but nothing useful came up. I had a skin patch test when I was a child but it showed up nothing of any apparent significance. 

So in my not so healthy mind and out of desperation I decided to stop eating to see if my skin would clear up again. It did. After about 4-6 weeks my skin looked good. Not 100% like before but much better. My anxiety was sky high with the hunger. I didn't sleep well which further exacerbated the anxiety. I would go over and over in my head what the cause could be. It was on a loop and I could not stop it. It was literally all the time. My OCD had taken full advantage of my hungry state and had got me good. The only time I would think about something else was if I absolutely had to such as at work or if someone spoke to me and then I would struggle to focus on that. Of course this could not continue for ever and I knew that but did not want to face it. I ignored it until I had two panic attacks. One was when I went to bed one night. My energy levels were so low I only just made it up the stairs. I staggered into bed and felt this almighty rush of fear. It is hard to put it into words. It was absolute terror as though something worse than death was about to happen. I actually considered for a moment jumping out of the window. Partly to make an attempt to flee and partly because facing the unknown object of my fear seemed worse than death. The other time was when I was at my parents for the weekend. We went out on the Friday night and I had a couple of glasses of wine and as usual did not eat enough. The next day when we were out I came over very shaky (which I managed to hide) and anxious. I kept it together until we got home at which point my heart was beating way too fast and I felt terrible. I sat there on the chair in the living room pretending to watch TV while my mum read the paper. I thought shall I tell her? Everything? It was on the tip of my tongue. But how could I tell my mum I was starving myself to improve my eczema. I knew deep down it was crazy and I needed help but was so desperate for my skin to be better. If I admitted it I would have to eat and my skin would become bad again. I would lose "control". Also it felt like too much to spring on my parents. I knew they would have helped me but I just couldn't tell anyone this secret. I said I needed a little sleep because we had been up late the night before and I went off to bed. Of course drinking and staying up late would not have helped my anxiety. I was shaking and shivering. Feeling very cold and anxious. I wrapped myself up in a dressing gown and duvet and tried to relax and sleep but just couldn't. After a couple of hours I went down stairs and we had dinner. I slowly started to feel better after that and managed to sleep that night. The next day I was still feeling the panic but it was on a lower level.

The impact of the eczema along with OCD and anxiety had a huge impact on my quality of life and effected everything I did. I had just started trying to eat a bit more but was still cutting out dairy and wheat when I was asked by work to do a first aid course. I was in such a state I should not have been at work let alone on any kind of training course. While such courses are made to be relatively easy I was still going to struggle. I just didn't have the mental energy. I was exhausted and my OCD rituals in my head were relentless. I would repeat phrases, sentences and lists of things which bothered me over and over again. My concentration skills were almost non existent. I was lucky that my job was relatively quiet or I really would have been in trouble. I spent four days on this course and left with a fail. I was ashamed and very depressed. I emailed personnel to tell them when I got back in on the Monday having worried all weekend. They did not respond to my email. Heaven knows what conclusions they drew about me from that! 

I knew I had to get help so I decided to see a dietician who was convinced I would be an easy case and that it would be dairy products or wheat or one of the other usual suspects. Not so. I explained I already tried this. She was stumped as to what was going on. So I accepted my eczema and that I was not going to find the answer. I felt that there was no one who would help me. I was out of ideas. Doctors only have a very basic knowledge of eczema. I have had doctors insist they cannot figure it out for me and that I must do it myself only to have others laugh when I come up with an evidence backed idea of what it might be. I decided I had had enough and slapped on the steroid creams that doctors are so afraid of. They say they and bad for you because they can thin the skin. I think to myself ok let's look at this. You can have sore, itchy, dry, swollen, weeping, cracked, bleeding, painful, taught, sleep depriving, debilitating, embarrassing skin on your hands and I my case the detrimental effect on my mental health or you can apply a steroid cream which will clear up all the above in no time. I would give any doc 24 hours with my skin before they would be begging for the steroids. They don't take quality of life into account. I have been using steroids on my hands ever since. 

I found some answers at the beginning of the year when I discovered that the contraceptive pill was partly to blame. I came off it and the swelling and redness from the inside went which is fantastic. The red glow has gone. 

Three weeks ago I had a skin patch test at Harley Street in London and found I am allergic to Balsam of Peru (Myroxylon Pereirae) which is the sap from a tree called Myroxolon balsamum which grows in El Salvador. This sap is used in many cosmetics, toiletries, detergents foods and drinks and is difficult to avoid. I am also allergic to various other fragrances used in many cosmetics, toiletries and perfumes. I am going through the process of checking out all my products for these allergens and researching alternatives. I'm actually finding it all very interesting and even enjoying learning about all these chemicals. I hope I can now move on from all the frustration this skin disease brings by finally knowing the cause. I often feel that I am able to tolerate and even find peace with something if I have the knowledge to deal with it. 

Finding my peace

The last year and a half has been a testing time. My OCD and Anxiety have led me down a dark path but I have managed to find my way back. My OCD made me feel powerless and frustrated. My fears and anxieties drove me to despair. This all brought  about an intense anger from which came dark thoughts of people telling me I was useless and no good. Constantly taunting me on a daily basis. Living a meaningfull happy life felt out of reach and things seemed hopeless. Suicidal thoughts became the norm. I felt powerless to help myself with all the noise and angst in my head. Whenever I got an idea of what I might do to help myself I found all I could do was compulsively repeat it to myself over and over again.

I had therapy for OCD and GAD early this year which helped. The therapist has both herself which gave me more confidence in her method of overcoming them and that I also could. I managed to gain control of both with determination and the sense that I just had to get myself out of this. But the anger was still there and remained an intense problem. I had therapy for this more recently. I needed to have some peace in my mind. My therapist helped me to understand that all the issues come from fear. OCD and GAD come from fear of course and fear causes anger. Also they cause frustration and a sense of a lack of control which feed the anger. They make me feel as though I am weak which again feeds anger. Knowing they all come from fear seemed to be a turning point. It made it all seem more simplified and manageable if it was all from the same place. It felt like a challenge I could take on and I felt empowered to face and fight the fear head on. I always knew the issues were all closely related but I had still always viewed them as separate. I think partly because I like to pull things apart and look at them and also because they have their own methods of treatment. But of course they originate from the same place.

I have started to use meditation to calm the angry thoughts and to help me have clarity of mind so I am better able to deal with things. This has been very effective. With a chaotic, obsessive mind it is very difficult to work through problems. Like a run away train thoughts are out of control. Imagine you are in a room full of papers you need to tidy into orderly piles. The problem is there is a whirlwind I the room. When you tidy the papers as soon as you put them down in a neat pile whoosh they are all over the place again. It is out of control. You need to switch the whirlwind off. Meditation does this. Meditation gives me a much needed sense of peace and calm and clarity. This enables me to sort out what I need to in my mind.

Looking at the more long term effects of anxiety I have found it changed me as a person. I became introverted, closed off and distant making it difficult to maintain friendships. I have found that I have lost out on close friendships because I feel as though I cannot connect with people. Partly because of a lack of interest due to being down and obsessed with my own mind and partly because I felt I was living a lie. Having this big bad secret I could not share with anyone for fear they would turn against me. Anxiety is a lonely place. I feel I have lost out for years due to anxiety. Not only on friends but also on opportunities not taken for fear things will go wrong or that I will show myself up by not being good enough.

Now I feel I am in control of things. I have found a more peaceful place. It is early days but I feel I am at a point where I am starting to think about how I can move forward and progress in my life. I now feel able to think beyond my mind problems. No longer obsessing about my anxieties and plagued by angry thoughts. I am much more positive about myself and my ability to overcome these difficulties and stay on top of them. Maybe I would like to start something new. Something for me to enjoy and feel a little achievement in.

Learning my value

Following on from my last blog – a long while ago it seems - today I have reminded myself of the reason I have so much anger, lack of self-esteem, insecurity and general disharmony in my life. It is because I am not what I value. I have lots of things which I value such as a lovely husband, good job, karate, family, friends and possessions. But I am not anything which I grew up to value. I grew up noticing all the pupils who were brighter than me at school. Also, I noticed the ones who were prettier, thinner and had natural talents and abilities. Of course, we all compare and unfortunately I had none of these things. The trouble is I have always valued them and have not really placed enough value elsewhere. Put this together with my feelings of inadequacy brought on by being ruled by OCD and anxiety. The constant feelings of being controlled by these disorders and feeling powerless against them adding greatly to my lack of self-esteem.  Consequently I now feel empty, as though I am nothing. It looks like a whole package: brains, beauty and natural talent. How wonderful to have the full set. But what are you if you don’t even have one of these? Empty? Nothing? Probably not, if I am being fair and reasonable. But this is how I feel. I am trying to see other attributes which I do have. I am organised and good at my job. Is this good enough when pitched against brains? Probably not but I do give it value. I am not a beauty but am ok looking and it is often commented on how young I look for my age. I have managed to maintain a slim figure while others are putting on weight as they age. I have no natural talents but I am doing well in karate which is a great skill to acquire. I have also learnt to drive in spite of my anxiety doing its best to stop me. Of course I have been comparing up since childhood. Maybe I can compare down more and realise my value. I need to feel I am something otherwise this lack of self-esteem just eats away at me. The vicious thoughts mentioned in my last blog still plague me but not nearly as much as they used to. So I am making some progress then! I am getting better at recognising my value but it is a slow and long process. I often forget why I feel the way I do when I get caught up in life’s twists and turns as we tend to do. I feel better each time I realise why I feel this way. It gives me a sense of clarity and understanding. From that point I feel I can maybe make progress and learn to change the way I feel. I did believe that OCD and anxiety played the largest part in my feelings of low self-esteem. However, there are many things in life which effect my self-esteem. Currently my OCD and anxiety are pretty good so they are not to blame at the moment. Can you change your values? Maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I just need to learn to appreciate other values. Accept what I am not and learn to see and value what I am.

Self attack

I think I can be pretty good at figuring all this stuff out sometimes. I blog that I have this problem and wonder what should I do about it. Next blog I have it sussed. Not so with everything. One thing I cannot fully understand is the viscous thinking in my head. Thoughts of people telling me I am rubbish. Scenarios my imagination thinks up right out of the blue for no reason which is apparent - they are just there. Arguments, confrontations, derogatory remarks, being laughed at, made fun of always by fictional people most of whom are faceless, nameless and rarely the same. I know this is all because of self hate. Hate because I am not good enough because I have these problems which mean I am imperfect, because I did not do well in school, because I don't think I have anything to offer the world. This is all deep stuff. But really I think I'm alight. I am a good person who gets on well with everyone and I work hard for a living and am good at what I do. I have my loving husband and family. I have my karate which I love and am fairly good at. I'm really not that bad at all. But this is my conscious thinking. Which is quite different to my unconscious opinions (outlined above) formed when I was growing up and feeling bad about myself as I discovered I didn't have any academic ability and believed I didn't have any skills. Even though I now realise this is not true I still feel the same worthlessness deep down. How can I make it go? I think I won't find the answer to this one because I think it won't leave and I have to live with it. 

Perspective - Found it!

The other day I was getting very wound up about a karate competition I have in November. I was being overly critical and harsh with myself about practise and preparation. I then became very involved with things at work and became busy in my home life getting the decorating finished in time for Christmas and also the Christmas present shopping - already but I like to get it done in good time! This pressed me to find a way to cope with it all. I had "a word with myself" as I like to call it and decided that I needed to get perspective and calmly get on with it all if I wanted things to be less chaotic and stressful. I am now managing to think more realistically about my tasks and goals without the sergeant major attitude I develop about perfection. This has made me see that I simply need to work hard and do my best with a positive attitude not a strict, critical attitude which my insecurities and fears inflict upon me. It's so easy when you can see this. I have experienced similar situations before when I have only had one thing to focus on I have got very intense about it. When more things come along which I need to deal with I seem develop a more balanced attitude so I can cope with the load. 

Of course fear of making a mistake or failure or simply lacking in confidence has a strong part to play in being too hard on myself. When I am afraid I feel things are vitally important and that it is imperative I do things to perfection and I am terrible and not worthy if I do not. When I am more confident I cope better when things don't go as I'd choose. Since I have not been so preoccupied with my problems lately and am freed from the OCD loop in my head I have been happier generally and my confidence has grown because now I can think! 

I made a little mistake at work a couple of days ago and instead or berating myself I thought no harm done, won't do that again, move on. Not beating myself up about it I have realised does not mean that I don't care it just means I haven a sense of perspective and reason.

Strict, slack or somewhere in between?

If your not disciplined and strict are you slack? Where is the happy medium and how do I get there?

I know I am very hard on myself. I always have been. If I make a small mistake I am very upset and annoyed with myself. I know that my disappointment with myself is often disproportionate to the situation yet I cannot stop it. It causes me to feel anxious and low. I try to rationalise but don't manage this until after I have felt very bad for a while first. It is similar in this respect to my disproportionate anxiety when it's triggered by a relatively small threat. It takes a long time for me to calm down and come to my senses - to be blunt. Now I understand I need to learn to go easier on myself but where do you draw the line between being strict and being slack? If you say "Oh well, never mind that I did not do well. Better luck next time". Are you just being fair to yourself or are you being slack because you either don't care or cannot be bothered? I really believe that if I said "Oh well never mind" I would never endeavour to progress. We are told that we should be kind to ourselves and not take things so seriously but then we don't learn or improve - surely? Am I wrong? I have spent half the weekend annoyed because of a small mistake I made and whilst I know I need to correct the mistake I don't think I should feel so bad - but I still do. 

I guess I am thinking that feeling bad about something you did not achieve or do well motivates you to improve but it is also true that if those feeling lead to depression you can lose all enthusiasm and motivation. I wonder how I can feel it enough to be motivated but not so much that I am down. How can I find my happy medium? 

Learning to shut out the noise

Things have been going well recently. Since I've not been so preoccupied I've managed to get into my work and feel as thought I'm living a fairly normal life and enjoying it all. But over the last couple of days I've been a bit cloudy of mind. It happens occasionally where I cannot think clearly as my mind is a bit sluggish. I'm not sure why. I guess it happens to us all. Anyway, it makes my self-esteem plummet and I become very self-critical. I end up thinking I'm stupid and am not very kind to myself. All this critical self talk escalates to thinking of other people telling me I'm no good and patronising me. My imagination can be quite vicious. Does this make me sound crazy? I have had thoughts like this on and off for a long time usually when my self-esteem is low. I am sure everyone thinks like this sometimes  as we all have insecurities and we all have an imagination! I just wonder if  the amount I do it is damaging to me. I need to stop thinking like that but it is hard.

I've tried not to be preoccupied with it and have been trying to throw myself into my work and think of external things rather than obsess about the noise going on in my head. Amazingly I have found I have been able to push aside my mind troubles and focus on work more easily than before. For me this is really pleasing as I used to be at the mercy of my obsession with my problems and I always envied those who can just shut things off and get on with their tasks. Now I can do that too. I think it will be an effort to maintain though as I'm sure it is a phase which might change back. 

Claiming back my time!

Since getting on top of my preoccupation with my problems I have found my production levels have increased. At work and otherwise I am able to think so much better. I had forgotten how much of your life being preoccupied claims. That feeling of not being able to just get on. Not being able to do stuff I need to do or fun stuff I want to do. There was always this niggle in my mind, tapping on my shoulder saying  "Hey. Think about me, think about me"! It is still frequently there but not quite as strong. I just try to ignore it. The more I ignore it the easier I find it. I guess it's because the less I do it the happier and more in control I feel so the pull in that direction in my mind fades. I have noticed my OCD wanting a bit of attention at work lately but I think that is just because I am quite busy which of course increases stress levels. I am trying to control it by allowing myself to only do what is reasonable in order to avoid all the repetitive checking. I still check a little more than is strictly reasonable or necessary but I am better than I used to be.

Something which really helps to pull me out of my inside world is Karate. I spend a lot of time obsessing about my problems and what to do about them and then there is all the other general noise going on in my mind. Karate brings me out of all that and into the present which enables me to find my focus. Karate is something which requires dedication, commitment and focus, of course. So once I am in that frame of mind I can more easily feel my feet on the ground in the real world. Not that I usually live in a parallel universe but sometimes I think I might as well! I have a few goals coming up in karate so I aim to switch my focus to that and perhaps I will then be able to focus more easily on the rest of my life and it will all fall into place! Optimistic? Probably :o). But one can hope. 

I have not encountered any of my extreme anxiety triggers over the last few days so have not been able to test my skills at rationalising. I am sure something will be along shortly...

Misinterpretation

I often get into a state because of the way I see things. If anxious I feel that the smallest of issues is a disaster waiting to happen which must be prevented immediately or if I'm feeling negative I see things as deeply depressing and of extreme seriousness. I become shrouded in gloom with no light in sight. I realise how dramatic this sounds but it really is all consuming. Maybe I have the opposite problem to rose tinted glasses! There is a lot of "self-help" out there and I have found useful info specifically for anxiety and depression which teaches us to challenge anxious and negative thoughts. I have mentioned before that I also find Buddhism useful since it suggests we use awareness to look at reality from an objective view rather than our own automatic perception. The question is though when the dark feelings descend can I see to stop and question my thoughts and feelings and find the real "truth" of the situation within the mess of my mind? If I can I am free of I cannot...

I got into a state last weekend because I misjudged the seriousness of something which happened. Next time something happens I aim to ask myself if my feelings are reasonable. Would a "normal" person think like that? I think I usually know they would not but don't progress much further than that. If only I can find a way to be calm, objective and reasonable. This way I will be in a better position to question my thoughts and feelings and recognise I am misinterpreting the situation and see it for what it really is. This would really be huge progress.

Upward curve

I have not written for a while. This is not because nothing's going on. I have been really quite low since November. It started with moving house. The process and the build up to the move and then the move itself was stressful. It actually went quite smoothly and relatively quickly. I dread to think what state I'd have been in had it not! So we were lucky with all that. However, the real stress came when once moved in we had the huge task of renovating the place which is now over half done.

All this got to me. I felt down, negative and stressed and my self esteem suffered although I am not sure how that relates to the disorder, mess and renovation. Maybe it felt out of control and too big for me? I'm not sure. This lead to feelings of anger and frustration a lot of the time. I found that the intense negative emotions made my mind very tired and also my body. I caught a cold in the winter which turned into congestion which lasted months and has still not 100% cleared. The doctor just said it'll take time to clear. Sure is! It's a real eye opener about how negative emotions can also physically harm you. I have discovered that stress even causes dizziness and back pain! Stress is bad news.

I have done a lot of work on trying to shift my emotions to up rather than down. I have tried to switch from negative to optimism and slowly it has worked. Trying to make myself see the good and be more light (hearted). Each day edging to being that bit better. I realised that I had somehow subconsciously decided that because I have OCD, anxiety and depression I cannot be happy. Of course this is not true because they come and go in varying degrees and can be manageable. I have used some Buddhist principles to help to calm myself which is very useful. 

Recently I have tried to avert my attention from the negativity and anger when it crops up and to switch to thinking of something which makes me happy or something practical. 

I think the route of my anger and lack of self-esteem stems from deep, long held opinions of myself which I have now learned are inaccurate. I believed for years that I should be and should have achieved things which I have not and this was terrible for my self-esteem. I read a book called "DON'T GET MAD GET WISE. Why no one ever makes you angry...ever!" by Mike George which made me realise I am not supposed to be anything other than myself. Sounds obvious but it is incredible how many people have no idea that is all / what they need to be. We keep trying to fit the square peg in the round hole because we think - or want - it to go but it just is

not us so it doesn't. Also to try to change these views and in turn my feelings about myself I have decided to focus on a few aims. I told myself I should do what makes me happy and do what I am good at. So I have based my aims on these things.

Something which had made a huge difference is that I have tried hard to atop my preoccupation with my problems. Anxiety and OCD like to put me though the torturous task of constantly repeating to myself my problems and how to resolve them. On a loop over and over I "repeat".  I have managed to stop this habit and free my mind. I managed it by keeping it short and sweet by saying to myself only the main points - I think there were just three - and then practicing letting them go and making myself focus on other things for prolonged periods. Now I don't "repeat" much at all. It has free my thinking hugely and made me feel more happy, creative, enthusiastic and energetic. I don't know how long I can keep this up but it's good! 

Life feels better now and I hope I can continue this even when the negative and fearful feelings rear their ugly heads. 

Exhausted

I am absolutely exhausted. On Thursday and Friday last week work was hectic and stressful. The team I support were producing a lot of work and since one of my colleagues was on holiday I was also supporting her team who were also very busy. My OCD is usually worse at work. In stressful periods, of course, it becomes much worse. This was one of those occasions. Because of the anxiety I feel very worried about making mistakes and because of the OCD I feel the need to check my work many times. By the time I got home on Thursday evening I was really feeling it and woke in the night at about 3am unable to get back to sleep. You can imagine how I felt on Friday which was much the same as Thursday workload wise. I got home on Friday looking forward to the long bank holiday weekend. But when I arrived at my karate lesson on Saturday lunchtime I felt half asleep and struggled through my lesson. I went home feeling mentally and physically exhausted. The physical exhaustion was not down to karate but because of the impact stress has on my body. I have experienced this before. I decided to give the afternoon lesson a miss - not so much a choice as necessary. Today I didn't go either. I feel an aching, crushing kind of tiredness. At first I did not believe how two stressful days could make me feel this bad but then I thought about how I have felt for the last several weeks. 

It seems every day when I wake in the morning my first thought is of my issues and it continues like that for the rest of the day. Thinking about my OCD, anxiety, depression, lack of self-esteem. Not always actually worrying as such but at least being aware of it - having it in my consciousness the whole time so it overshadows everything. This feels like a great burden - a heavy weight on my shoulders. I need to stop this. I don't always use the worry time as I should. I have tried to reintroduce this in the last couple of days. Worry time can be a great help. Another thing I have realised is that I am often in the frame of mind that I am and my life is my issues. Because I think of them constantly they have become more prominent than anything else in my life and have event become me or at least that is how if feels. I need to adapt my perception of myself and my life to being the me without the problems and the anxiety, OCD and depression just a part of it. Does this make sense?  I think the above has worn me down over time. I was down, negative and tired so then when things got stressful at work I just could not withstand the pressure. I also seem to have a constant cold. I expect that is a sign I am feeling the strain. I need to learn to cope better. I am fairly ok at handling the problems individually. I know how to deal with them. But the constant thinking about it all needs to stop. 

This is hard. I really want to be able to use the worry time to stop the constant thoughts and awareness of these problems and to think of myself as the person I am aside from these things - the real me if you like. Then I think my life can be brighter. 

Something weird happened this morning

I left the house and began to walk down the street to the station. After about 150 yards I suddenly thought did I switch off the bathroom light? At the moment I don't usually put the light on as it's daylight when I get up but this morning I put the light on while I was in there for a minute just before I left so it is not part of my routine. I was not particularly worried about it just annoyed. I thought it will bug me all day if I don't check it. Going back to the house to check something is, to me, a serious step backwards in dealing with my OCD but today was different somehow. I decided to go back but as I said it did not feel as though it was so much because I was worried but because it annoyed me. I went back and found I had turned it off. I am confused. Would a "normal" person have gone back not because of worry but because it would bug them? It seems odd to me. At one time threat and the subsequent feelings of worry would be at the forefront of my mind. I don't feel my OCD is becoming worse but I will be interested to see how I manage to lock up on Friday.

Stop the noise

I have just graded for my purple and white karate belt. This is something which makes me incredibly happy.

I have noticed that in the two weeks coming up to grading all the noise in my head stops. I need to focus on my grading and practice and prepare. I somehow seem to be able to achieve this state of mind where everything else takes a back seat and all the negative self talk and general skewed thinking inside my mind ceases. It is peaceful. Of course I am nervous and working hard but things are much clearer without the clutter. In comparison to my usual experience this is peaceful.  I have learnt that I can stop all the noise in my head. But how can I make this happen day to day? I have noted that when I achieve this clear and quiet state of mind coming up to grading it is automatic rather than conscious. I don't think - "right I need to have focus now and not worry about other things" - it just happens. There is something in my unconscious which believes that it is so important I achieve in karate I am somehow able, without even consciously trying, to get focused and block out all else.

If only I could  summon up a feeling of necessity to have this mind set for the day to day. Then I could control all the negative self talk and feelings which I struggle with everyday, focus, achieve and be happy. Of course though my ability to achieve this state of mind is down to my passion for karate. You cannot be passionate about the day to day.

From fear to joy

I was so upset on Friday night. I was signed up for a karate competition on Saturday but was feeling really unsure about it. Since I have been down I have not had as much focus on my karate practice I am afraid to say and I really was not at all confident. Also, I was planning to drive to the venue which is somewhere I have never been let alone driven. The whole thing was quite a scary prospect for me. I really did not want to go in the end and spent about half an hour crying about it. I decided though that it would be worse to not go as giving up would be too depressing. I thought that I can at least go and have a try. Ok I don't expect to do well but having competition experience is valuable in itself. So on Saturday morning I got up early, did some practice, sorted out the Sat Nav and off I went.

I won. I beat a guy! I was so happy I could not believe it. Yey! I managed the drive with no problems too. In the afternoon I drove to my usual lesson and was feeling good. Is it me who doubts myself or is it that life is just full of surprises?

Today though I have been really hard on myself. I went out to practice my parking and managed well apart from on my parallel parking. Oh dear me! I cannot do it. How hard can it be?! But my mind was struggling and in the end I had to give up because it was baking hot and I was not feeling great with that and the frustraion. Plus the brakes were too warm! That is how long I was doing it for. I felt such a fool which maybe I was but what I also did was disregard all the good I have done and just started to focus on that one negative thing. I am trying to make myself consider all the good stuff I have managed to do. Hubby will take me out next weekend to teach me the parallel parking. Bless him!  

Black cloud descends but the sun is in sight...

Yesterday my husband and I went out and I drove. This time it was quite different to the day before. I found I was more confident on my own!!! This is from being totally dependent on having someone else in the car helping me. I think I had gained enough confidence to go out alone which was great. But then I had my husband correcting me. He was of course trying to be helpful but I am so sensitive I take it as criticism. It takes one negative comment to knock me down and ten to build me up. I have been feeling down since then but am now reasoning that I did fine on my own and the criticism is intended to be helpful and I just need to take it on board and learn from it. Onwards and upwards.

I did it!

I went out in my car by myself this morning! It was scary but not quite as much as I thought. I actually enjoyed it. I do keep getting fearful thoughts of what if this and that happens. I think I can deal with this in two ways. Firatly, ensure I continue to go by the rules and also expand my road knowledge. Secondly spot the fearful thoughts and deal with them in a practical way by asking myself "in that situation what is the correct thing to do"? therefore learning and reasoning. I have not had chance to be in any kind of negative mood today as I have been far too preoccupied to have wondering thoughts. It is amazing how your mind just wanders to the negative when it has idle time.

A little sunshine

Today I have felt quite a bit more happy. I've had a little sunshine today. I had a stormy mid morning with a conflict of opinion at work but that settled and I have felt more positive. I can see things from a more calm, optimistic point of view. I just need to keep remembering to spot the negative thoughts and what my OCD free twin would think and do. I wonder what the weather will be like tomorrow for me...

Bit of a storm

Well the day has been a bit stormy. My insecurities were on annoyed mode today. We went for a drive which I was excited to do but felt nervous throughout. My husband said I did really well and had improved from last time although he hadn't thought I was too bad before. All progress. I find though that one minor thing can scare me. You just have to mention cyclists, motorcyclists or children and I start thinking am I going to do something wrong and before you know it I am imagining scenarios and that I will be in trouble.  Spotting and changing this way of thinking is tough. One of the things I learnt in CBT for checking is to imagine I were my OCD free twin and what she would think. Would she check? No! So maybe I can try to work out how she would think about these things. She would probably just learn the lesson, be happy and get on with it.

Looking for my sunshine

Well I have been trying to face my fears. I have done a bit of driving and have entered a karate competition! The black cloud is still there. It is turning grey though - but slowly. It's like something has been disconnected and I can't the get the fun back. It's like the light went out and I have to locate the on switch. I'm a bit numb in a way. My brothers wife had a baby a few days ago which made me so happy and I thought I got my light back but that has faded now. It's almost worse than being anxious because at least then I feel alive and motivated. Anyway, I will be careful what I wish for!! I'm trying to adjust my outlook to optimistic and not take anything too seriously and see things as though they should be enjoyed. I just have to keep reminding myself. Today I'm in grey cloud but hopefully the sun will shine tomorrow...